Puppy Without Permission
September 25, 2014
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By Vivian Chu | Staff Writer
Have you ever strolled past a lonesome box of stray puppies? Remember their sad eyes, begging you for cuddles? It’s impossible to resist sheltering one in your jacket and taking it to your warm, safe home; however, an unstoppable force is standing in between you and your potential canine companion. Your parents have strictly forbidden you from harboring fugitive animals and there is no convincing them otherwise. But don’t worry, there are ways to bend the rules. Here are four easy steps to successfully smuggle a puppy into your house and avoid the imminent wrath of your parents.
Step 1: Don’t panic
Your parents can smell fear like bloodhounds can smell – well, blood. They can sense guilt in your eyes, in your nervous “I’m-trying-not-to-look-suspicious smile”, in that wriggling bundle of “biology homework” in your arms. There is only one method, utilized by generations of troublemaking teenagers, that can help you at this point: sidling. The components of a perfect sidle are lack of eye-contact, a neutral expression and ninja-like agility. Mastering this skill requires years upon years of dedication; however, if you are pressed for time, practice outside your front door before you go in. Ignore the strange glances from passersby. They have no idea of the dangers ahead.
Step 2: Look for the bare necessities
Assuming that you’ve survived, your first priority is to provide your puppy the physical and emotional means of survival. Channel your inner Bear Grylls and lay out plans for food, water and, shelter. A critical problem that you may encounter is a lack of dog food. Remember Step 1: don’t panic and sidle. Your dog might turn out to be pickier than a 5-year-old whose diet consists of only chicken nuggets. In this case, try to feed it only the best scraps from the dinner table.
Step 3: Channel your inner overprotective parent
Your sole purpose in life is to accommodate the needs of this dog, so treat it as if it were your own child. Pore over name books to find the perfect name. Don’t settle for something mundane like Spot. Get creative and go for something more exotic, like Steve or Paul. Swaddle your puppy in the finest blankets stolen from your parents’ bedroom, place it in a stroller and bring it to school. Soon, all the housewives in your neighborhood will be complimenting your newfound parenting skills.
Step 4: Avoid Confrontation
In case of an emergency, perhaps your parents invaded the private sanctuary of your teenager bedroom, always remember that every action jeopardizes the livelihood of your illegal pet. If you’re caught talking to your dog, pretend you were talking to a stuffed animal. If they find dog feces, either blame it on your brother – the disgusting fiend – or, if you’re an only child, your dad – I’m sure your mom will understand. Finally, if all your hard work goes to waste, deny everything.
Follow these steps and you could probably survive about two days before your parents find out and send you on a disciplinary trip to a third-world country.