The Winner’s Checklist for World Domination
Campaign strategies for the aspiring dictator
By Arya Sureshbabu
So you want to be the most revolutionary, radical, earth-shatteringly rad president ever to grace the face of this planet. A noble goal. But if you wish to share your fabulous intellect and unparalleled charm with our needy world, you’re going to have to abandon those mainstream campaign strategies—you know, the ones which rely on integrity and honesty and rationality. Here are your new and improved campaign strategies, brought to you by the ghosts of Caesars and Napoleons past.
- Know your voters. No, don’t be acquainted with them. KNOW THEM. It’s the difference between that obscure sweaty guy you met somewhere at that one tennis tournament and your soul mate. So how do you take that perspiring athlete and turn him into your voter? Easy. Stalk him. Start with a scroll through his Facebook, then ransack his Instagram. Next, use your deduction skills to piece together his residential area. Storm in as stealthily as possible. Learn the ins and outs of his everyday life—what puns he likes, what color his cat is, the exact location of certain nerves in his rather disconcertingly shaped eyeball. And then use all of that information to target your campaigning to him. And only him.
- Don’t just talk the talk. Walk the walk. Any Robespierre knows that the only thing in campaigning more important than bellowing threats to your sacrilegious non-believers from the rooftops is the way you walk. That nonchalant stride of yours doesn’t scream “dictator” at anyone. As a matter of fact, it doesn’t even mumble it. Spend the next three months perfecting your campaign strut. Not a swagger, a strut. Watch emperor penguins for examples. Neck movements are mandatory. Bonus: Add stilts and a smirk.
- Appeal to your voters. Wink repeatedly. With both eyes. Covertly whisk out that fabulous in-class essay and wave it about in the air, making sure he or she glimpses that A. Drop hints about your GPA and SAT score. If this plan fails, prepare for the sneak attack. Find his or her locker. Hide in the nearest trash can and wait for the opportune moment to jump out. Corner him or her and begin to wax poetic. Shakespeare is preferred, but any French dude will do as well, so long as you fake the accent right. Better yet, use Edgar Allan Poe. Your target may never touch an English book again, but, hey, all’s fair in love and war.
