First Name Fiasco

What would happen if our first names have only one syllable?

By (Sang)eetha Srinivasan  | Web Editor

Follow our former president, and change your name today!
Follow our former president, and change your name today!

On March 32, 2014, Fremont Mayor Bill Harrison passed the legislation that all Fremont residents must have only one-syllable first names for the benefit its citizens.  People would have to be more creative with their names for the common good of the city. By changing their names, citizens of Fremont practice civic virtue, a concept that our nation was found on. Besides the historical aspect of the new legislation, several financial and environmental benefits also exist. For example with short first names, people will be able to save space, and therefore spend less money on buying paper.

Most students’ pencil leads are made of graphite, which has a carbon structure. Our current society faces a major carbon-related environmental problem; shorter names use less carbon by using less graphite to write, making it the best choice for everybody and reducing global warming. According to the Fremont Walmart branch’s financial statements of 2013, people spent over 4 million dollars on just pen and pencil purchases, including lead and ink refills. Families will be able to save a significant amount of money due to the reduced need of ink and lead utensils from the shorter names. Instead of spending money on pens and pencils, which are mainly imported, the citizens of Fremont will improve the economy by investing their non-spent money on local businesses.

In the modern era, lazy is the way to go. With one syllable names, citizens can use less energy to address each other. Since they are using less brainpower and physical energy, they will not need as much oxygen to address each other. By the transitive property of energy, one syllable names save and help conserve oxygen. Since it takes less energy to say each others’ names, people will be more inclined to meet others and introduce themselves. Nobody will be confused by name pronunciation. Chances are that extra j or k in the name is probably silent because the name can only be one syllable.

One syllable first names are in the best interest of the society. Parents are forced to be more creative with names – Timb instead of Tim, Ttam instead of Matt, etc. If people are offended by the new legislation, there is nothing stopping them from have four syllable middle names. With so many benefits, it is clear that one syllable first names are awesome. What will your new name be?