Christmas reinvented

By Ayush Patel | Staff Writer

Teenagers today are engrossed in social media. We’re so invested with the cyber world that we forget how to interact normally with one another; talking to one another face-to-face is too difficult for most of us. Diss-mas, the latest holiday trend, allows us to cope with our sad feelings and emotional instability. Not only is the holiday perfect for the pessimistic, but it also allows you to legally destroy your enemies’ morale.

Diss-mas is celebrated whenever your heart desires. Its “legendary figure” is the opposite of Santa–Krampus. According to legend, Krampus rewards kids who take the time to emotionally scar other people. He sends these kids advice on how to torment others, and haunts those who are too nice. Krampus has evil, slave children factory workers who work endlessly,  devising new ways for people express their immorality.

Several traditions are practiced during Diss-mas. Some include going door-to-door in your neighborhood and singing Diss-mas carol classics such as Deck the Hells, and The 12 Months of Darkness.

People often enjoy baking during Diss-mas as well. The main ingredient in all recipes, however, is poison. Laughing at the people you hate can’t be better than watching them throwing up from food poisoning. Rather than a basic fake tree that’s decorated during Christmas, in Diss-mas you decorate the house–your neighbor’s house. Tissue and eggs are perfect replacements for ornaments and tinsel. At the foundation of your neighbor’s house, you should leave scrolls of papers filled with disses, which help your neighbors become a better people. Think of it as constructive criticism that others are too shy to point out. Diss-mas is a time to break out of conventional social norms and manners to really show your enemies how you feel.

Irvington High School administration decided to find a way to celebrate Diss-mas on campus in order to promote social responsibility.

“On each student’s locker will be hot glued a box labeled ‘Student Suggestions,’” said Principal Tarah Toot. “When a student is mad at one of his or her peers, he or she can slip a piece of paper filled with disses as revenge. The paper, of course, is anonymous and will allow students a chance to criticize one another constructively.”

She added that it is vital to incorporate Diss-mas, as students often lack spirit when it comes to celebrating holidays.

(The legendary figure of Diss-mass, Krampus, glares angrily at nice people. Photo: Anita Martinez).
The legendary figure of Diss-mass, Krampus, glares angrily at nice people (Photo: Anita Martinez).