Seagull flu strain gives rise to epidemic

Seagull flu strain gives rise to epidemic

Daily Express

Fiona Zhao, Staff Writer

Recently converted to a quarantine center, the library at Irvington overcrowded from students affected by an alarming bird flu outbreak from seagulls, the first time the epidemic has struck this month.

In lieu of the recent bird flu outbreak from Tennessee farms and farms from China, science teachers hypothesized that the epidemic at Irvington was a result of the virus diffused across the ocean air. However, a study conducted by the Fremont Senioritis Center, a legitimate secular internship program for procrastinating seniors, proved the recent avian flu epidemic was actually a result of excessive seagulls flying around campus.

Though cases of students screaming in agony and running away in fear at the sight of seagulls have previously been recorded by campus stalkers, the epidemic reached an unprecedented scale, with increasing numbers of wails, cries, and squawking often heard in the freshman hallway. Students were aware the school had been filled with snakes and rats, but birds took them by surprise.

“Just yesterday, my entire second period refused to run the BUUM,” said an anonymous Phys. Ed instructor, “when seagulls started flying over the grass. In fact, some students started obsessively flapping their arms and covering their heads.”

Further stalkerish investigation from the Fremont Senioritis Center reveals feeding seagulls during lunch as the main method of disease transmission.

“When provided with artificial food, digestive enzymes within the seagull’s body are unable to accept the nutrients,” said senior Sally Shore. “So it comes out as bird droppings from the sky and cause people to lose their minds.”

Still quarantined in the Irvington library, self-identified patients spend their days typing WIP and QUEST policy papers two minutes prior to the deadline on Turnitin, refusing to leave for fear of possible exposure.

“If I leave for class, I’ll have to face the real world,” said an anonymous patient. “Especially P.E. Once I see those seagulls, I remember all the NCs I have and start screaming.”

Though the administration has proposed possible extermination programs to lessen the effects of the virus, students are adamantly against on-campus seagull removal. With students refusing to leave their quarantined areas for the moment, there looks to be no end to the current bird flu epidemic.