As now is the only time when people care about Girl Scouts (or scouts of any kind), Girl Scout cookie sales have arrived once again. This time, it’s conveniently after finals so we can lie to ourselves, saying that there is still hope for the new semester while we indulge in box after box of cookies. Why buy academic prep books when you can douse yourself in lies about your academic potential for $500? Here is a definitive rating of all the offered girl scout cookies, so you can decide what to spend your hard-earned, or stolen dollars on.
Thin Mints: Quite small and prone to melting. There is so little flavor that you’ll get more minty-ness from accidentally swallowing toothpaste. They’re almost like chocolate crackers that were endorsed by Crest. The only reason we buy more is because we crave the mintiness that one box will not provide, so save up more money for thin mints than college tuition.
Samoas: There’s more caramel than cookie, meaning it’ll make you feel that you just gave yourself diabetes for the low, low price of $5. Therefore, it’s the best cookie investment on this list because it’s not even a cookie. Its unnaturally bright colors will catch the eye of any greedy classmate seeking to mooch cookies off of you, meaning that you’ll spend more time buying samoas, than actually eating them.
S’mores: It’s the newest addition to the Girl Scout cookie clan with depictions of unrealistic camp activities on each cookie. It’s somewhat pricey at $6 a box, which is ironic because I can make a dozen stove-top s’mores without the hassle of swiping money from someone. Unfortunately, you can’t really taste the individual parts of the s’more because they blend together like a Starbucks s’mores frappuccino. The cookies are lovingly presented in a plastic container instead of cardboard to draw attention to your fourth-period cravings.
Tagalongs: It looks like a cookie, but tastes like peanut butter! The peanut butter is more sweet than salty, which continues the questionable Girl Scout cookie tradition of making ingredients more sugary than they have to be. A healthier, cheaper alternative would be to eat an entire jar of JIF peanut butter.
Savannah Smiles: This simple cookie tastes like shortbread, lemon, and regret. The Drug Enforcement Administration’s least favorite cookie because, after consuming three single cookies, your hands look like they’ve been dusted in a delicate layer of benzoylmethylecgonine. The Savannah Smile’s lemon powder will deliver the sought-after euphoria for a lower price. Inhale an empty bag for a similar effect.
Do-Si-Dos: Its texture is similar to that of a goldfish cracker, it’s peanut quantity is equal to that of a single peanut, and it’s eating experience is comparable to that of Super Bowl LⅢ. Recommended for fake fans of peanut butter.
Trefoils: Quite dry and bland. In the Girl Scout’s attempt to make the ultimate healthy cookie, they still had to insert some sugar into this cookie. The healthiest girl scout cookie is less enjoyable than the others, however, its design is minimalistic and spectacular. But why does it only features white girl scouts? Are they implying that brown girl scouts don’t taste good? Please, it’s time to diversify.
Toffee-Tastic: Very flavorless, dry, expensive, and disappointing. It’s advertised as a shortbread cookie filled with toffee, but the toffee bits in this cookie are about as easy to find as a tolerable president. You’ll finish the cookie angry, not because the cookie tasted bad, but because you expected it to taste better.