Synapsis Dissects Human Brain

Higgity Higgins, Snack Coordinator

On the twelfth night of the summer solstice, the IHS Synapsis club hosted a human brain dissection. Having never performed a human brain dissection before, the members could not have prepared for the mess that was to come in the following two and a half hours. 

The club decided to use a brain from one of Irvington’s students, but they discovered that most of the brains were too small, and some students did not even have one, so the president of the club had to look for alternatives. Fortunately, an anonymous donor placed a bag filled with a single human brain outside the president’s bedroom one gloomy night and left a note that said: “I don’t need this anymore.” 

“I don’t even know how this anonymous donor got into our house,” says the president’s mother, Gothel. “Clearly, we need a new security system.”

With a full human brain ready, the event was set. There were no supplies or really any proper gear left to perform a safe lab dissection, as we all know we lack the funds for those kinds of things. So instead, participants were given out tablecloths as aprons, the ends of plastic barbie doll boxes as safety goggles, and a doggy bag just in case someone couldn’t handle what they saw. And trust me, many couldn’t. 

The dissection started out with club members cutting the brain in half to see what was on the inside. One half of the inside has the soundtrack from High School Musical playing. The other half had the faces of frowning Irvington high students plastered onto it with tears dripping down. 

“After opening up the brain, there was no mistaking the fact that it belonged to a previous Irvington student who had moved onto college and left behind their horrid memories of this place,” said club member Supercalifragilistic Expialidocious (12). “I don’t blame whoever it is though. I’ll probably do the same when I graduate.”

When the dissection ended, the brain was simply thrown away in the recycling bin. Don’t know who’d want to reuse that. People started discussing how to not fail the next AP Physics test, planning where to get boba, trash-talking their peers, and just usual Bay Area student things. 

“I’d like to say I had fun, but I’m pretty sure I was more traumatized than anything,” says Abra Cadabra (9). “But it doesn’t really matter because I was going to be corrupted by highschool eventually, so I guess it might as well be now.”

The human brain dissection proved to be a complete and absolute disaster for everyone who attended. On behalf of the Synapsis club, I would like to hand out refunds to anyone who attended, but since no one paid money to get into the event, I guess they’ll just have to be haunted by the memories of this dissection forever.