On Thursday, May 11, local Irvington student Dinesh Nanjiani stayed awake for a record-breaking 69 hours and thus ensuring his ability to brag with a clear conscious about “studying super hard” for the AP Calculus test. Nanjiani’s legendary arsenal included Red Bull, 5-Hour Energy, Fruit-By-The-Foot, 24-Hour Energy, Cheetos, 48-Hour Energy, Adderall, 49-Hour Energy, and Fun Dip. Nanjiani’s pro-tip is to wash the sugar and caffeine down with some black coffee, for the kick, and air freshener, for the bad breath.

Nanjiani cites the internet and the obvious admiration his fellow students will direct towards him once he reveals how much he studied as his inspirations. Like any athlete, Nanjiani stresses the importance of pacing, strategy, and planning ahead. He reveals that he spends an average of six hours per day after school, surfing the internet, valiantly searching for new and fresh ways to procrastinate.

“I’m not going to lie,” Nanjiani said. “It’s difficult to stay relevant. There are just so many ways you can fuel your all-nighter of hell. You’ve got the classic, like those Chinese monks who lay down on a bed of needles, and you’ve got the mainstream, like Frappuccinos mixed with Splenda.”

Even as he describes just how happy his fellow students’ expressions of inferiority and shame when he tells them how much he studies will make him feel, Nanjiani admits certain parts of his legendary all-nighter were best left undescribed. He then proceeded to describe them, in detail.

“It was insane,” Nanjiani said. “At some point, I started vibrating, levitating, and chanting in an ancient language. I saw things. Things. Is it just me or is the sun inside the room?”

At this point, Nanjiani paused the interview so he could converse with a desk lamp, who he claimed was a long-time acquaintance.

“I saw him at my mom’s baby shower,” Nanjiani said, staring fixedly at the reporter while trembling very slightly. “She’s a great family friend. You won’t find a finer lamp anywhere else in the states. I’m not sure about the UK though. I hear Oxford produces some really top-notch lamps.”

Nanjiani’s left eye and right eyebrow then began to twitch furiously as the superstar recounted his grueling training regime and challenges with motivation.

“Like everything worthwhile and meaningful, the process was difficult,” Nanjiani, ignoring our reporters, explained passionately to the corner of the room. “I lost everything: my friends, family, car-keys, social security number, confidence, and my self-respect. But, I am very certain that my struggle to appear smarter and superior to my peers in this convoluted and utterly inane manner will pay off big time. [At this point in the interview, Nanjiani’s teeth began chattering furiously, so the following transcription may not be entirely accurate] Man, I didn’t even actually study for that test. I don’t remember anything except that corporate consolidation is a liberal propagandist myth propagated by Google, and that 85 percent of the TSA’s employees joined just so they could finally touch another warm human body.”  

When the interview was finished, Nanjiani loudly exclaimed his desire to drive home and was subsequently restrained by school authorities. The Voice is confident to say that even if Nanjiani goes insane, his efforts and dedication to staying up late will be remembered and revered by precisely no one.