Top-Tier Colleges Forced to Send Applications to Students

Michael Zhu, Staff Writer

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Last night at 11:59 PM, the International Colleges & Universities Partnership (ICUP), an organization overseeing the well-being of top-tier colleges, officially declared bankruptcy. All across the world, and, particularly in the United States, top-tier universities have been facing severe cuts in funding. Why? It’s because of a term coined by researchers and scientists known as “Prestigiophobia.”

Defined by expert Stu Pid, prestigiophobia is the fear of high-level achievements, and specifically in this case, the fear of prestigious universities. According to Dr. Pid, prestigiophobia has become a worldwide epidemic, with top colleges such as Bornell, Barvard, and Boxford University receiving at least 69% fewer applicants than previous years.

The first symptoms of prestigiophobia were observed just a few months ago, when high school students in Fremont, California decided to rebel against their over-controlling parents and reject admissions into Ivy League universities and other top-tier colleges. The news blew up and miraculously spread rapidly across the nation, and proceeded to spread around the world. High school students all across the globe were inspired by the bravery of Fremont students, and decided to create a movement to raise awareness of this intense phobia. Many have taken part in this movement and some seniors even chose pretigiophobia as their QUEST topic. In order to unite students across the globe and protest against the prestigious nature of top-tier universities, they created the Union of Classmates, or as they like to call it, the UC System.

The UC System denounces the evils of prestigious universities, claiming that they have unrealistic and unhealthy expectations of admission profiles, pushing students into misery with insurmountable amounts of stress. They also protest against the unbelievable high tuition of these prestigious, private schools.

Many members of the UC System are opting to go to community and state colleges instead, saying that they can get a better quality of education at a far cheaper price.

One UC System member attending community college says, “In my college, they really care about me and my academic needs, unlike those snobby Ivy League schools.”

Other UC members simply decide not to attend college, and stay at home to teach themselves instead.

“Why would I go to college? I was way smarter than all my teachers in high school,” says one UC member. Another says, “Mark Zuckerberg dropped out of college. I’m going to be the next Mark Zuckerberg.”

As a result of their lack of students and funding, top-tier colleges are now forced to send applications to students in an attempt to win them back. Students all across the world are receiving hundreds of applications from colleges and universities.

“I was considering accepting some of the colleges I got applications from,” one high school student says, “But I ended up rejecting all of them because of their lack of extracurricular activities.”

With the application deadline coming up next week, stress levels are high amongst colleges and universities.

UC member Joe King, like many high school students, favor community colleges over private, prestigious universities.