Endgame: Special 10th Anniversary Screening

Justin Kim, Staff Writer

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There have been theories going around in the Marvel community that Ant-Man would be the one to defeat Thanos, shrinking and entering through his rectum only to grow again and explode him. As a Marvel fan, I am absolutely disgusted that the “fans” would even think that the Russo brothers would create such a lackluster and unimaginative idea such as this to end one of the greatest cinematic achievements to ever bless the silver screen. If anything, here’s would have went down if they chose that route.

Ant-Man will be the one to defeat Thanos, obviously. But the theories have no substance, no juicy details in between to create tension. Ant-Man will shrink down to the size of a blood cell and enter Thanos while he’s drinking his purple Kool-Aid. Inside, he will travel through Thanos’ blood streams until he reaches the kidneys of the big purple boy. Ant-Man will then gasp and make a stupid joke as he finds the hidden seventh Infinity Stone: the Pain Stone. Otherwise known as the Kidney Stone. Looks like someone was drinking too much Dr. Pepper on his universe domination field trip.

Ant-Man will then shove the Pain Stone down Thanos’ urethra and expand the stone. The pain will be excruciatingly amplified and Thanos will snap himself out of existence in order to end his suffering. The Avengers gather up for one last battle (Avengers assemble) and roll the pain stone into Thanos’s army, crushing them under the weight of the large calcium excrement. Earth is safe once again due to the heroic actions of the Avengers, but Black Widow is still dead.

The credits are done rolling and the screen cuts to Hawkeye putting on his time travel Team Suit. Hawkeye still sees her falling to this day every time he closes his eyes. Crumpling limply at the bottom of the cliff. Blood staining the altar. He sees it so clearly. He can’t sleep. He takes out the remaining two vials of Pym particles from his drawer. He needed to tell her that they won. He needed to bring her back. The screen cuts to black.