What Cliché or Overused Movie Character is your Horoscope?

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Akshita Nair, Staff Writer

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Aries (March 21-April 19): You loveand I mean loveto be the center of attention. And that’s precisely why you would be a perfect fit to play the guy who walks away from an explosion in the background. You won’t even need to wait for the fire to explode, you’ll just saunter away in the opposite direction of the blast and probably pull out sunglasses from nowhere and put them on as everything gets incinerated. Sure, you may be in danger of also getting hit by the shrapnel, considering you’re not that far from the blast. Sure, there’s almost no way you won’t be blinded by the bright burn or deafened by the booming noise. Sure, there’s really no point in walking away cooly considering the fact that everyone in the nearest vicinity has been burned to death or are currently running for their lives… but you want to be the object of people’s adoration for once in your life, right?

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): Known for your stubbornness, you almost never back down from a fight. You really do take these things too seriously; it doesn’t even matter to you when you’re facing your death. Hence, you are designated the role of the old time cowboy-sheriff who controls the town (and all of its drug deals). When a newcomer comes into town to claim your rightful place as sheriff, you’re ready to defend your position. There’s only one way to settle this, and you’ve guessed right. A gunfight! Of course, it is absolutely, positively necessary for you to say the line, “There’s only room for one sheriff in this town!!!” to cue the classic, western gunfight music. You and your foe put slowly move your hands towards the gun in slow-motion because, the more dramatic, the better. Cue the random tumbleweed that came out of nowhere and seems to be the only one in the desert. You look to the frightened townspeople who don’t exactly know what’s going on and don’t care who the town sheriff is. With a cigar still in your mouth, you aim high and in five, four, three, two, one, you take your aim.    

Gemini  (May 21 – June 20): You. Are. Indecisive. As. Hell. Seriously, make a friggin’ decision. You would play the perfect dumb girl in a horror movie who makes all the wrong decisions. Oh no! There’s a killer after me, just let me go upstairs where I’ll be trapped and at his mercy. Ominous sound coming from the bathroom? Let me go check it out just to be sure, of course. Need somewhere to hide? The dark, silent basement where I can’t see anything or call for help should be the perfect place. A Ouija Board just laying around? Let me use it immaturely while taunting the spirits in my house and finish without properly saying goodbye. Creepy doll in a store full of normal things? Let me take it home, I’m sure it’s harmless.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22): You are very shy, maybe a little too much, to be honest. So, why not be the nerdy girl in a high school movie? Don’t worry, you won’t stay that way forever because everyone knows that, under those glasses, you look like a completely different person. I mean, despite the fact that your eyes now seem smaller, you’re so pretty. Now it’s time for an unnecessary and expensive makeover in which only God knows where you got the money from to pull off. Apparently, you know all the high fashion despite your closed-off nerd-like personality. GUCCI GANG. Hopefully, there is a Genovia for you to claim yourself as the heir of…   

Leo (July 23 – August 22): You are energetic and dedicated to whatever you commit to, and you never back down. You are the perfect fit for the kid in a karate movie who just happens to live upstairs from one of the greatest Kung Fu masters in the world who has been alive since 300 B.C. and wants to teach you. Through your hard perseverance, you make it to the finals and are ready to take down the cocky opponent who stole yo’ girl. Yeah, okay, so maybe you trained for like 3 weeks and your opponent has been a prodigy since in the womb and has been doing karate kicks since the age of a few months. Okay, maybe you’re 5’0 and a scrawny midget and your opponent’s a 6’9 macho man with more hair on his mustache than you have on your entire body. Whatever, according to the rules of dramatic training scenes in the sunset and cool deep bows, you have to win. Right?

Virgo (August 23 – September 22): You are a deep-rooted, intellectual individual who never seems to be fazed by anything. After all, the dramatic backstory of your whole family being murdered right in front of you taught you to trust no one and to build your status in life with bloody handsoh and with the help of your newly discovered, rich uncle who your father entrusted you to. But you are not the hero in this story. You are the villain who is the head of a notorious liquor company who your uncle entrusted to you after he mysteriously died (*cough cough*). Your go-to scene requires a dark, dim lit room with one armchair and only a small lamp serving as the light source. The hero stalks towards the light in a heedful manner before he realizes there’s someone sitting in the chair. (*surprised gasp*) It’s you! You give him a round of applause while stating, “I’ve been waiting for you,” and then give him a worthy villainous stare before you start revealing your bloody plans for him and start telling him how he dares to ask you for a favor on the day of your daughter’s wedding.

Libra (September 23 – October 22): You are calm and keen to reach perfection. You always manage to do things with grace and dignity, no matter how dirty the job is. This is why you would also be a great villain. You are the type to walk in on the hero while he’s conveniently trapped and clap slowly as you do so. For some odd reason, you just have to tell them your sad backstory and go on about how you must get revenge on the hero because he looked directly in your eyes for 4.56 seconds. And before you can enact your plan, you have the old torture tray come in with many, many various spiky weapons to use on the fallen hero.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): You are headstrong, secretive, and as strict as your AP Chemistry teacher. You need to be in control, telling people what to do at all times. You’re the perfect fit for a British TV cooking host who hurls insults at all the incompetent contestants who cannot cook for their dear lives. Why can’t it be a mean American (or any other nationality) host? What kind of question is that?! It doesn’t matter what country, what time period, what alternate universe; mean cooking show hosts will always be British. “Ayyyy Governor, now take that golly horrendous steak away from me and throw that rubbish in the bin” is probably along the lines of what you would say. You don’t have time to hear your contestant’s personal issues at home or insecurities because, after all, they haven’t even tasted to see if the sauce is properly done or not!   

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): You’re a free spirit, nothing can hold you down! You’ve got all the right vibes and the right advice. What else would be the perfect fit for you other than the great, old master that can see into time and space itself to aid the main character? You’ve always got a set of tarot cards on you at all times just in case someone needs their doomed fate told to them. You are in possession of the oldest book in the universe and every alternate universe for some reason and only you know how to cast the mind-boggling spells. You trademark scene is taking the hand of the hero and directing your gaze far away in a dreamlike state and remark on how the character looks are just like their parents (who you met in your youth and, for some reason, was the person who they entrusted all their deep and dark secrets to for you to convey to the hero).   

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): You’re a loner. Yeah… sorry to be so direct but you kinda are. It’s not like everyone doesn’t already know it since your weird tendencies tend to creep everyone out. The role of the obsessive, stalker ex-boyfriend is solely assigned to you. By some miracle you managed to get a girl to be in a relationship with you, but she thought your weird fascination with smelling APUSH books was off-putting, so she decided to break up through text. Big. Mistake. Now you can’t, and won’t leave her alone. You stick by the one rule, “If I can’t have her, then no one can.” Why have all her recent boyfriends ended up dead or missing? Well, of course, you don’t know the answer, but you do send all your deepest condolences to their families. You‘ve already got it all figured out. In 10 years, you and her will be married, with 5 kids, 4 cats, 2 dogs, 3 hamsters, 0.1% of a parrot, and a big, beautiful mansion of which the original owners have mysteriously disappeared. You can’t give up on this dream. After all, you’ve already bought the life insurance for your five future kids.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): You’re smart, brave, and never afraid to give your brain a challenge. You’re simply too bored to be bothered with the simplicity of normal life. Just the thought of it, ugh! No worries, because your role will constantly keep you on your feet and in an exciting bubble of mysteries. That’s right, you’re the spunky, genius detective who, along with his seemingly normal, but confused partner, managed to pick up clues as easily as ladies. Even though most articulate serial killers are smart enough to clean up the crime scene and leave nothing of importance behind, you magically find something that all the other crime investigators couldn’t. Sometimes, you even manage to pull out a conveniently placed book from the victims bag which contains all the crimes the villain has committed and a confession to his evil deeds. Wow, you saved the day. Even though the chances of you not getting killed in every case are higher than your chances of even solving it, you still manage to make it out alive. Every. Single. Time. Seriously, are you immortal or the all-knowing seer of Earth? Whatever it is, your friends and coworkers definitely don’t know your true identity; an alien from another planet. Yes, what a twist in the plot. This explains your superhuman powers of deduction and investigation and how you can go for days without sleep or food. This world is filled with too many naive and dumb people to survive on its own, so you take pity on them and decided to help their impoverished minds.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20): You’re compassionate and kind, and never fail to do the right thing. Your sense of responsibility always take over in times of need, even if it leads to your ultimate doom. Unfortunately, you’re role is to be the person who dies in the beginning of a movie which drives the main plot and ambition for the rest of the movie. Your death is necessary in order for the main character to learn the hurt of loss, and so he or she can move on to train arduously (almost unrealistically) to exact revenge on your killer. Also, your ghost or spirit will sometimes reappear from time to time to make the hero feel even more guilty about the role they played in your death.