California Enters Drought Due to Excessive Handwashing

The dankest and only handwashing tutorial you will ever need to
prepare for those handwashing tournaments.

The dankest and only handwashing tutorial you will ever need to prepare for those handwashing tournaments.

@pregosauce, Spotify Account Manager

On March 22, the Governor of California, Marvin Oldsom, declared a state of emergency. Surprisingly, the emergency was not due to the recent virus but because California had fallen back into a drought. This drought is expected to be one of the worst ones ever.

“This drought came out of the blue. We did not see this coming at all.” said Governor Oldsom. “After looking deeper into the situation, we have determined that the root cause of this is that people are entering handwashing standoffs.”

Handwashing standoffs are a relatively recent phenomenon that grew due to the spread of COVID-19. People believe that they have to be the cleanest person in their vicinity, so whenever they see someone washing their hands, they immediately join in. Both people continue to wash their hands and refuse to be the first ones to stop. Battles like these only stop when either the participants pass out from exhaustion, or if the pipes are closed.

“I am afraid of not being the cleanest in the room.” said JoJo Joestar, a university student at Konoha University,  “I cannot desist because my desire to flex on others outweighs my concern for pruney fingers.” 

“I know that the Government told us to wash our hands but there must be a limit right?” asked an anonymous citizen. “I can’t get little Timmy to stop washing his hands and come down from his fort of toilet paper.” 

Stories like these have become common as the hand-washing standoff epidemic grows. Some experts believe that this trend will become more popular than even Fortnite at its prime. While this trend may be popular, its effects are all but trendy.

“Our ecosystem ain’t doin’ too dandy. Them buckaroos are running like crazy and I can’t see me a dang moose in the Northeastern sector,” said Cyrus Diddlywhacker, the director of the California State Parks. “The effects are really hittin’ us harder than a steel baseball bat on a fastball. Because the water level dipped, all them squirrels can get to the water more easily, but the bigger animals can’t. As a result, we are seeing a real nut-fest with all the squirrels going wild. The food chain is collapsing and soon these squirrels are gonna gnaw down the entire forest.”

The California Parks Service is currently overwhelmed trying to deal with the drought. As a result of the drought, forest fires have also made a resurgence, however, the Fire Department has lost all of its hose water as a result of the handwashing epidemic. Additionally, the water that is present now is flammable due to the soap residue. The Fire Department advises people to transition to more traditional methods of cleaning like licking oneself clean as the cats do.

In response, the State is planning on replacing all drinking water with Capri Sun so that the drinking water can be rationed out to each person for handwashing. “I really hope this works,” said Governor Oldsom. “If not, we’re screwed.”