How to Maximize Halloween Revenues

We all find ourselves in dire need of stocking up on candy every Halloween, especially when parents have started actually listening to dentists. But with the economy being how it is, is it really likely that anyone will give that much candy this year? Of course not! Instead, we will find old junk items being placed in little pumpkin baskets, handed to children as if they’ve come to a late night yard sale of miscellaneous items. So where exactly can you go to fulfill your desires for some sweet, tooth decaying, stomach upsetting, bowel blocking, muck-up-your-mouth goodness?

If any of you plan on traveling over to the Mission district to meet up with some friends, I would advise the opposite. If, however, you do decide to go, watch what you eat, because Mission students have been known to hide what they refer to as “brain food,” otherwise known as crack, in small candy wrappers. Instead, head on over to the Weibel district where—oh wait, that’s where all the rich people are. Good luck getting a decent candy bar there. The most you may get out of that is a lucky quarter and a piece of candy that says “Gong Hay Fat Choy 2004-2009” across the side.  That is taking the rough economy to a whole new level.

No, indeed, the best place to go for candy this year is to not go at all. Stay at home and take advantage of the large pile your mother has created to distribute to others. Shut the porch light off, put up the “We’re Closed” signs, turn off that light-up pumpkin you have, and take that bag of assorted chocolates up to your room. No one will ever know.