22.void hate opinions picOusting the opinion oligarchy

By Kelsey Ichikawa | Staff Writer

Opinions.  The ultimate impediment to having a nice day.  We see them in the pretentious essays of Harvard grads and the impulsive social media rants of teenagers.  We hate ‘em.  Goodness me, not only are people thinking, but they’re sharing their ideas.  Whoever heard of such a moral outrage?Just. Stop. Having. Opinions.


It’s annoying. Do you think anyone really cares?  NO.  You know that one kid in your history class who’s always griping about the uselessness of the United Nations?  Or the fangirl in advisory who rants about the utter perfection of Joseph Gordon Levitt?  Is their spewing of opinion going to do anything productive besides consume more oxygen and increase the universe’s entropy?*

It embarrasses your parents.  Think Miss South Carolina’s response in the 2007 Miss America contest about why some Americans can’t locate the US on a map.  According to CBS, her answer sounded something like this: “I believe that our education like such as in South Africa and the Iraq everywhere, and I believe that our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S, and should help South Africa, and should help the Iraq and the Asian countries.”  Don’t try this at home kids. It’s a one-way ticket to humiliation.

It discourages peace.  Imagine a beautiful, golden world, filled with vapid blobs called human beings who don’t hold any hard-set beliefs about society.  Now look at our world.  The Ku Klux Klan and Hitler mar our textbooks with bigotry and racism.  Rifts form in friendships because of differences in religious dogma.  Debates over abortion rage on. Physical fights ensue after heated arguments about homosexuality.  Because opinions are inevitably going to clash and conflict, the key to a happy family is eliminating opinions entirely.

Fact is better.  Fact is superior.  It’s so much simpler—none of the “maybe this, or maybe that, or let me argue for a certain stance.” You just accept fact.  Conserve your energy for something more worthwhile (like funny Youtube vlogs).  Instead of picking sides of ethical dilemmas, spend your time learning how to calculate the differential growth rate of a cell culture with a logarithmic graph.  Divorce yourself from any emotional misgivings you might have about whether those microorganisms are stem cells or not.

And if you spend your time writing lengthy articles about your opinion, you really need to get a life.  There is no worse fate than having to read an article published in the newspaper (who even reads the newspaper nowadays?  Puh-lease.) about somebody’s opinion.  Gag me.  I mean, I would literally rather swim with man-eating hippos in a swimming pool at night on a deserted island wearing my prom dress than write an opinions article.

So, opinions.  What do they do?  Irritate your friends?  Show how uneducated you are? Speed up global warming?  Start WWIII?  If we aren’t careful, we’re going to spontaneously combust from harboring all of these firmly held ideas.

End the madness.  Cut the convictions.  In my opinion, that would save a whole lot of trouble.


*Do you find my nerdy comments dull?  Well, it’s not like I’m going to change.  If you stopped having such a negative opinion, then my comments wouldn’t even bother you at all.



Caption: #evenpuppiesagreewithme