When life gives you mold, make penicillin –or alternative medicine. With mold being found in assorted classrooms, Irvington is once again at the forefront of medical advancements, though this is far from the first time IHS has emerged a pioneer in the field. Just a couple years ago, students were (unintentionally) exposed to asbestos, a carcinogenic mineral used in insulation, until “Big Government” and “Big Pharma” started spouting “research” and “facts” about the link between asbestos and cancer.

Given the rise in alternative medicine in recent years, teachers are expecting to make a killing off of this newfound mold. Student attitudes to the mold have yet to match the excitement of their teachers, and rather focusing on why mold was present in the first place. The general attitude is, “we’re not surprised, just disappointed.”

Hopefully the money made from mold will be enough to settle the various impending lawsuits concerning how the toxic fumes from mold may have affected students. Many are taking the opportunity to blame lackluster grades upon the mold and resulting inhalation — they truly are prime scapegoats. Others are seeing the mold as golden CHANGE project opportunity.

“Why do they keep sending us to Quarry Lakes when the fish are in a safer environment than we are?” said one freshman.

A sophomore continued, “All I’m saying is, if Irvington was a country, you’d have the easiest WIP project,”

“This is why I’m failing AP Chemistry. How can I get into college under these conditions,” said one junior.

A senior further elaborated, “It’s too late we found this mold out only now. It would have made for the perfect college essay: ‘My School is Literally Killing Me’. I think some QUEST projects could focus on making IHS classrooms a better place,”

Morale is certainly at a high going into the new year (not including the high the mold may give some students).