Dear NaFu,

I’ve been trying to get a girlfriend but I can’t seem to understand girls. They always get angry with me or run away. One time, I walked up to a girl and started telling her about my clown doll collection, but for some reason she pulled out her pepper spray and aimed it at my eyes. I’m still blind to this day. Can you help me figure out what girls want?

Love,

Clueless

Dear Clueless,

You’ve come to the right place. All the girls love NaFu. I would know, my grandma said so. Anyway, all girls want – and prepare to have your mind blown – are bad boys. If you want a girlfriend, all you have to do is be bad. You can start by ignoring her. Don’t pick up her calls, then work your way towards forgetting her birthday, not doing your homework, getting detention, failing classes, dropping out of school, working at Hot Topic, dating her best friend, dumping her best friend, dating her sister, and listening to 2Chainz. All the ladies will be all over you, guaranteed.

Love,

NaFu

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Dear NaFu,

My boyfriend-of-three-hours dumped me today and I don’t know how to go on. I’ve been crying into my ice cream for hours, but contrary to every romantic movie ever, it doesn’t really help. What should I do to get over him?

Love,

Forever Alone

Dear Forever Alone,

I got you, bro. Just listen to my foolproof, step-by-step plan to get over any heartbreak. Step one: cleanse. After every break up, you need to start fresh. Start by burning down your house. Just stand there in the ashes as you feel the toxic energy leave the atmosphere. Step two: move to Siberia, become a potato farmer, and plot your final, inevitable revenge. Every year on their birthday, mail them a single potato engraved with their face. Every. Year. After enacting your vengeance, you can start fresh and will finally be over it! See, it’s super simple.

Love,

NaFu

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Dear Nafu,

I have been with my boyfriend for so long and have been in love with him for even longer. I was content to spend and devote my life to him and up until now I thought he felt the same. But, I have reason to believe that my boyfriend is cheating on me. He comes home at odd times and has grown more distant. I haven’t found any hard evidence yet, but I feel like it’s only a matter of time. I never dreamed or expected this to happen. I don’t know what to do.

Love,

Heartbroken

Dear Heartbroken,

That is awful. I literally want to wrap you in a hug and take you away to a far away land. No, I’m not talking about kidnapping, I would never do that. Get your mind out of the gutter! But, academic dishonesty should never be treated lightly! I cannot believe your boyfriend would cheat in school and not help you as well! Couples that cheat the system together stay together. Anyways, I know not everyone is smart, or smart enough to admit they’re not smart, but your boyfriend should never have gotten you involved in his cheating. Remember, the best cheaters are the one’s that aren’t caught! So, I suggest that next time you get a smarter and sneakier boyfriend.  Cheating is a serious and delicate art. Don’t date someone who can’t muster up the macho to survive in the world of hardcore cheating. Go hard or go home!

Love,

Nafu

Dear Nafu,

My girlfriend of seven months recently got this great job offer. The catch is that she has to move across the country. I really love her and I feel like we have chemistry but a part of me doubts that our relationship can withstand such distance. Of course I want her to stay but I know logically that the benefits for her are insane. I don’t want to hold her back but I am also scared of losing her. Help???

Love,

Cross-country

Dear Cross-country,

Dude, long-distance relationships are totally possible. Trust me, it doesn’t matter if you’re in different cities, states, countries, continents, planets, galaxies, universes, or timelines. All that matters is love. I would know; I was in a very intimate relationship with a Russian KGB member that lasted for five years before he decided to steal all my money and have me deported. But enough about my nostalgia, allow me to give you some invaluable advice. First, record yourself whispering sweet nothings so that whenever your partner falls asleep, your voice is the very last thing they hear. Second, hire someone to wear a mask of your face and interact with your partner. Finally, steal some of their stuff so that when you are lonely you have something to hold onto while you sob. These exercises will cement a relationship like bubble gum in your hair!

Love,

Nafu