Dear NaFu,

I recently realized my best friend’s girlfriend likes me because she came up to me and told me she likes me. I don’t really like her back and I don’t want to hurt my relationship with my best friend. What do I do???

Sincerely,

I don’t want Jesse’s Girl

Dear I don’t want Jesse’s Girl,

To be honest, I don’t really see your problem here. NaFu is used to this, because NaFu (as you obviously know already) gets a lot of attention from the ladies (if by ladies you mean my grandma Stacy). Anyway, DO NOT tell her that you don’t like her. Girls are sensitive. Tell her you want to go out and secretly go out behind your best friend’s back. Then, when you finally gain her trust and unconditional love, “accidentally” stumble into your best friend while on a date with his girlfriend, pull out your phone, and text her “This is going to work out. Srry. :(“. This way, you can cleanly cut the ties with both your best friend and his/your girlfriend with no harsh feelings. And if they are angry with you afterwards (which would be absolutely ridiculous), just remember that you don’t need them. You don’t need nobody. You are an independent man who don’t need no girl or best friend. Which is what you should tell yourself when you cry yourself to sleep at night.

From,

NaFu

Dear NaFu,

School is hard and I’m thinking about dropping out to become an actor. I once played Tree # 4 in a production of the Wizard of Oz in my kindergarten play. As you can see, my acting career is spectacular, but I’m still afraid to leave school. I’m worried that it won’t work out and I’ll be a high school dropout. I need advice.

Sincerely,

Oscars

Dear Oscars,

Let me tell you a little story, my friend. There once was a (smoking hot) person named FaNu. (The gorgeous and talented) FaNu hated school because he was so good at everything and everyone else was not as talented as he was. He decided to drop out and become a male stripper after watching Magic Mike (the greatest movie of all time). Unfortunately for FaNu, the male stripper industry manager took one look at him and laughed (he still doesn’t know why) and sent sad little FaNu back home. FaNu realized that he should continue his education, finish high school, get his GED, and go to college. Then, he could become a successful college-educated male stripper. The moral of this story is: watch Magic Mike (the greatest movie of all time) and also: never give up on your dreams. If you want to be a world-renowned male stripper, then do it. If you want to be an actor-wait did you say you want to be an actor? Dude, be serious. Be more like (the beloved and famous) FaNu and choose a more practical job.

From,

NaFu

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Dear NaFu,

I have an addiction to boba. It’s all I think about during class, at home, walking to school, on vacation, while taking a shower, doing my homework, petting my dog, driving my car, playing badminton, and while sipping boba. I think this is a serious issue. My family is concerned and are thinking of sending me to rehab, but life without my precious boba makes me want to throw myself off a cliff into a sea of milk tea. What should I do?

Sincerely,

Boba4Life

Dear Boba4Life

You do not have a problem. Never apologize for loving boba. Boba is the thing that makes the world go round. It is the beverage that unites all of us hard-working, haggard, exhausted young students at Irvington. Boba’s power to bring together the young and old, geeks and nerds, upperclassmen and freshmen, allows it to be the glue that holds the fabric of our frail Irvington society from falling apart. Just because you think about boba every waking second of your life doesn’t mean you have a problem. It just means you are a true Irvington student. In fact, since all you should ever really think about is boba, just tell your family that you don’t need them if they are going to criticize your totally healthy fantasies about boba. Take it a step further and open a boba shop – or even better – a boba parade. Decorate a parade float and while sitting on a throne made of boba, throw free plastic cups of milk tea into the crowd as you pass. This way, you can show your true boba love.

From,

NaFu

Dear NaFu,

I’m supposed to graduate next fall, but I’m afraid I can’t because I’m failing math, science, English, history, art, and dance. I’ve tried everything from tutors to classes and nothing seems to work. What should I do?

Sincerely,

F-

Dear F-,

Never fear. NaFu is here. I know you already said that you’ve tried tutors before, but have you ever tried ME as a tutor? This may sound ridiculous, as I am only the (cleverest and most talented) student who runs the (super informative and helpful) advice column in the world’s most famous newspaper. You might be thinking: what could an advice columnist who gives (amazing) advice have to teach me about math and science and english and history and art and dance? The answer is: everything. If you hire me as your tutor, I can not only teach you all the core disciplines of the school curriculum, but also teach you how to do yoga, meditate, go snorkeling, catch a jellyfish, eat three whole turkeys in under a minute, find and capture Bigfoot, AP Chemistry, the answers to the universe and beyond, and even how to fit 50 grapes in your mouth at once. All the answers to everything you need to know will be in your hands only if you hire me at my humble rate of $100.99 a half-minute. Hire me if you want to learn everything and graduate. Please hire me. I need a job. I’ll throw in a free cup of milk tea (with a $10.95 tax of course).

From,

NaFu