As inspired by the infamous and totally legitimate WebMD, our very own NaFu has decided to impart his own knowledge (courtesy of Wikipedia) to the Irvington student body and give his own totally legitimate diagnoses. Please do not take any of this seriously and consult a real doctor if you have any problems. (Not that NaFu isn’t a doctor. He is. There’s an MD by his name this time.)  

Dear NaFu MD,

I’ve been getting back aches recently, and I’m really concerned about what this means. I don’t think I do anything strenuous, and every time I look up my problems online, they say I either need to stop straining myself or that I may have an undetected brain tumor. What does this all mean?

Sincerely,

Achey Breaky

Dear Achey Breaky,

It’s very smart of you to come to me for this, because I can shed some light on the horrible potential issues here. Backaches are mysterious, but they usually indicate some serious underlying condition. In your case, judging from the aura of your words, there’s a high chance that you’re pregnant. I hope your astrology sign is cancer, because that’s also what you have.  Testicular cancer, to be specific. Sorry to be the bearer of both bad and good news?

Congratulations either way,

NaFu MD

Dear NaFu MD,

I used to love chemistry class, but my lab partner apparently recently forgot how to brush his teeth. Every time he talks, I can feel a few minutes being knocked off my lifespan. This is becoming a serious problem to both of us now.

Sincerely,

Dementor’s Kiss Victim

Dear Victim,

This is a great time to ask me this question, because I’ve recently discovered a new disease for people afflicted by bad breath. Breath cancer affects one in every three people at Irvington, and causes others harm by restricting oxygen flow, brain cell death, and emotional distress. This is a growing problem, yet fewer and fewer people are telling their friends how much their breath stinks. We recommend everyone to get vaccinated with Altoids or gum to protect themselves and help others. It is not too late to help, as breath cancer can be cured. Due to my extensive experience in making out with my girlfriend Nancy (She’s my stuffed rabbit, actually. It’s cool.) I have been fortunate enough to never have put myself at risk of breath cancer. Unfortunately we can’t say the same for everyone else.

Stay safe,

NaFu MD

Dear NaFu MD,

I’ve been coming to school with migraines for the past two weeks. Everyone says it’s because I’ve been sleeping 20 minutes a day for the past two weeks, but I don’t have time to sleep more. I can’t sleep through the grind. What should I do about this?

Sincerely,

Grind Never Stops [in my head]

Dear Grind,

You’re right – sleep is for the weak, and 20 minutes is more than enough. For your headaches, I would recommend reading the new Multivariable Calculus book. Truly the most interesting and captivating book I’ve ever chosen not to read. It’ll distract you from all your problems and soothe your aches with its comforting, easy-to-understand equations and diagrams. In fact, you can probably cut your sleep down to 10 minutes once you start reading this book.

Get reading!

NaFu MD