Breaking: Exactly 90 percent of student body faint from viral epidemic

Fiona Zhao, Staff Writer

Wallowing in the aftermath of stressful, life-destructing finals, Irvington High School spent the first days of second semester unprepared to face its most horrifying challenge yet: the B.S. (basic sanity) epidemic. When students began falling asleep in class, fainting halfway between presentations, and skipping classes, most teachers initially assumed those were the lingering after-effects of final exams. Since 90 percent of Irvington’s student body were infected, teachers were bombarded with B.S. homework, projects, essays, and in an especially alarming case, a test that with the word “B.S.” written in for every questioneven the multiple choice.

After extensive investigation, Irvington’s scientists identified the pathogen as a strain of Senioritis. Unlike Senioritis, the disease is ubiquitous, allowing everyone to share in its more immediate effects of procrastination, watching Netflix, snapchatting peers during class, and an inability to complete work until exactly 12 minutes before the deadline.

“Since the virus constantly mutates, its protein structure is completely unique in every individual’s body,” Irvington’s false AP Epidemiology teacher said. “However, researchers at the Fremont Senioritis Center are attempting to B.S. a vaccine.”

“I’ve been my QUEST work during the first semester,” a senior working at the center said. “So now I really need to step up my game and develop a vaccine to help cure Irvington from this B.S. Besides, we all know colleges love to how much stuff we can B.S.”

Despite the obvious evidence of a virus, some students are completely unconvinced of the B.S. epidemic’s evidence.

“Honestly?” sophomore Flora Zhu said. “I think the entire epidemic really just a load of B.S.”

For now, I really need to B.S. an excuse to my editor for my four-months-late journalism article.