Local

• National Survey of Student Engagement found that Irvington students spend an average of 78 hours a semester finding unrealistic and impossible ways to twist reality to force their terrible grades to become A’s. Overheard on Tuesday: “If I drop this test and score 132% on the final and do the extra credit, and then cry really hard, the teacher might round my 88.2 to a 90.0.”
• Area student feels superior during debates for pretty much knowing what’s going on in the White House, and sort of knowing what’s going on in California, and more or less knowing what’s happening in Turkey, and knowing that Venezuela exists.
• Area student thinks of a crushing argument to destroy opponent in her head a few hours after the argument.

National

• Stanford study has found that girls need to go to the bathroom together or everyone in their friend group will explode.
• Study indicates that a distressingly few number of American teenagers are able to build a 1994 Chevy Impala SS, signaling a sharp and obvious downturn in moral values.
• Starbucks debuts the Galaxy Frappuccino, made of Windex, lead sprinkles, and something vividly purple. It is deathly poisonous, but super cute, so Starbucks stock has jumped 200 percent.

International

• The tranquility of a peaceful little village in a peaceful little country that nobody has heard of has been destroyed again, thanks to some superheroes that couldn’t keep the violence confined to New York City.
• God found to spend 90 percent of time making sure that adults find their keys and have just the right amount of change instead of curing kids from cancer or stopping wars.