Everyone with a good set of tastebuds and gooder taste in TV knows of two culinary gods: Gordon Ramsey and Guy Fieri. However, what most sadly do NOT know is just how superior Guy Fieri is compared to Gordon Ramsey; saying the two are equal is like saying that vanilla is boring (it’s not) and that pineapple does not go on pizza (it does).

Looking at Guy Fieri is like … well it’s hard to describe. It’s a religious experience: personal, intimate, involving a lot of crying, and packed with random exclamations of “Lord Jesus deliver this congregation!” Okay, you know the sun baby from “Teletubbies”? Yeah, picture that sun baby with GatorzTM sunglasses, a grass patch of ice blond hair, and dimples as deep as the Grand Canyon. Bam. Feel free to dry the tears of joy and enlightenment on this newspaper.

In addition, Guy changed his name from Ferry to Fieri, which is the smartest, most significant, and sensual decision I have ever borne witness to. This is a very cool move because Fieri is very close to the very spicy, seductive, sultry word “Fiery.”

Guy Fieri is worth $3.5 million. That’s a lot of money, and it’s truly a relief to see that capitalism is finally rewarding the right people.

He never, I repeat, never went to culinary school, and it shows. Look at the way he eats, nearly inhaling his food – the most notable examples of this biological process being “Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives” S6E6 “Who’Da Thunk It?” and S22E12 “Griddles and Vittles” – with the efficiency of a common man who knows that his dinner will do its best to run away from him. I too remember when I attempted to consume a seemingly innocent plate of spaghetti only for the waiter to punch me in the windpipe and break my clavicle; that day I learned that unless you approach eating like mud wrestling while having asthma, you’ll never survive long. Clearly, Fieri understands the American experience with far clearer clarity than Gordon Ramsey’s crumpet covered eyes ever will.