Don’t know what to get your third cousin twice removed for Christmas? The Voice presents our guide to gifting: this holiday season, we’ve made it simple to shop for your cherished ones.

For Mom- Fill a reusable grocery bag (stay eco-friendly) bag and with blackberries, raspberries, cranberries, blueberries, and strawberries. Tape a picture of a dying Alexander Hamilton on the front. There you have it- a Burberry handbag.

For bonus points, put a recipe for pie in there so your family does not have to buy pie from Safeway every year.

For father- Get a stress ball and draw an X on it. Roll it on over to your dad. Now he’s got himself a Rolex. If you see your dad getting mad after dealing with your horrible sense of humor, tell him to squeeze the stress ball.

For teacher- Buy some marshmallows, kerosene, and a blanket. Tie all your past tests (especially the bad ones) with a red ribbon. Your teacher can burn the papers and snuggle up next to the fire, which is fueled by the energy of your dead dreams.

For the techie-

Cultivate a red root vegetable. Roast it on a cookie tray (with a drizzle of balsamic vinegar, for an extra touch). This person can now listen to their hopes crash burn in high quality with their own Beets by Tray.

Because you are bubbling with holiday joy, give your geek another gift. Take a cardboard box. Unfold it and flatten it. It used to be a box, but now it’s an Xbox (ex-box)

For the basic girl-

Print out an Anthropologie tag and stick it onto the ugly loose-fitting sweater your grandma thought you would like. Claim that your worn-out shoe lace is actually an overpriced choker from Urban Outfitters. If the shoelaces seem to raise suspicion, quickly divert them by recalling how you loved the soy candles at Anthropologie. She will start rambling about her candle collection from the buy three get three free Black Friday sale at Bath and Body Works- she’ll never notice the difference!

For the forced Secret Santa- This is a case of you getting creative with what you have at home. Take that CPR dummy from the good ol’ Horner days. Grab a red marker: draw a big circle on its heart and make a diagonal line as its diameter. Write a note telling your Secret Santa that this mannequin reminded you of them- a nobody.

If you’re feeling nicer, go out and buy a gift card to a place that does not suit their personality, to emphasize the fact that you have no clue who they are, and are just forced to do this under the social construct of our rigid society.

For the pesky relative- Fill out a resume for your dear aunt who wants to know every miniscule detail of your daily life. Let me get you started on the document:

Occupation- family’s disappointment

GPA- low as my self-esteem

Relationship status- three less failed marriages than you