SHOCKING: Local Man Fulfills New Year’s Resolution


Andrew Fu

Stew Pidity rose in fame after completing his New Year’s Resolution. Here he is proudly posing next to his best friend, the TV, along with his pies, cigarettes, and divorce papers.

Andrew Fu, Staff Writer

New Year’s resolutions are notoriously infamous for being as pathetic and ineffective as Geico’s commercials, but this year,  Stew Pidity has finally broken this trend and fulfilled his goal. After breaking his previous plan of taking over the world, Pidity resolved to gain weight, and lots of it.

Stew Pidity always had a terrible track record of overeating, so he decided to use this to his advantage. His plan was to eat a lot of pies, mainly blueberry and apple, but not pumpkin, because pumpkins are color of President Trump, a person whom Pidity heavily disapproves of.

After a month, Pidity has seen considerable progress in his weight, along with an increase in blood pressure, cholesterol, and chance of death. Pidity’s success in gaining weight has led his attention to other areas as well.

“I’ve started smoking, drinking, and procrastinating,” said Pidity. “While everyone else is trying to drop these habits, I’m committing to continue them. It’s so much easier my way, I’m surprised people haven’t realized that yet. They’re so stupid.”

This behavior has lead Pidity’s life to be extremely lively these past few months, with his wife filing for divorce, his boss firing him, and his parents disowning him. Pidity’s doctor has also suffered from several heart attacks during Pidity’s health check-ups.

So far, Pidity’s routine has been to eat pie, smoke cigarettes, drink at Moe’s Tavern, and binge watch episodes of The Office.

“It’s a really good life. My wife isn’t bothering me, my boss isn’t pestering me with work, and my parents don’t call me five times a day to check up on my potty-training. I’m fulfilling my New Year’s Resolution, and it feels good to have finally accomplished something in life. I’m like a real-life Homer Simpson, except I’m way better-looking.”

Overall, Stew Pidity is very happy with his success in achieving his goals. He hopes to adopt more idiotic objectives soon and is consulting Kanye West for ideas.

“These New Year’s resolutions are genius!” said Pidity. “This has not only given me a reason for doing stupid things, but it’s also shown me that with hard work, you can accomplish anything, on any level of stupid.”


Note: Stew Pidity died on December 25, 2017 after suffering from heart disease, diabetes, gallbladder disease, high blood pressure, kidney disease, and a condition that strikes 1 out of every 0.5 people in the world, stupidityatitsfinestitis. A commemoration to honor his existence is being held in Irvington High School at Valhalla on January 1st, 2017, from 7:00-7:01AM. We will all mourn his loss. Please come— there will be free food!