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Love is in the air… along with the scent of sweaty, panicked teenagers struggling to study for the tests they will undoubtedly fail and figure out the future that they don’t have. In any case, Valentine’s day is just around the corner and lucky for you,  Doctor Love is an expert on all things love (just ask my ex-wife; after she gave me lovely knife-shaped cookies, I flew to the Vietnamese jungles for a few years in fear). Since Valentine’s Day is coming up, I decided that I would come out of hibernation (aka hiding from the Vietnamese mafia) to help you poor, lovesick fools out.

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Dear Doctor Love,

I am freaking out!! My crush texted me back after I sent him a ~risqué~ text message on whether or not he wants to hang out at the mall on Friday. I don’t know anything about boys!! Help!! SOS!!

Sincerely,

Luv Isa Badulfeeld or Text after Text

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Dear Doctor Love,

Before I say anything, let me help you out: never use two exclamation marks. One exclamation mark is awkward politeness, three exclamation marks is over-the-top excitement, but two exclamation marks is just a sign of mental instability. As for the question, don’t worry, I gotchu. I am indeed a boi, so I know a little bit about this. As long as you follow my foolproof, ironclad, ingenious, and revered plan, you will fall in love and have many beautiful babies. Guaranteed.

Rule #1, let’s take a look at your attire. Make sure to ALWAYS wear sunglasses indoors. Sure, some people might say that wearing sunglasses indoors is an obnoxiously annoying move, but you know what I say — ALWAYS BE CONFIDENT. If people give you weird looks, strut around in yo’ fancy Versace shades, tip them down, and stare right back at the peasantry.

Rule #2: Be late. First impressions are always important, so you need to show your boi that you’re cooler than him by arriving two hours late. If he leaves before then, he’s too uncool. If he ends up coming even later than you — he’s extremely cool and good enough for you. Marry him.

Rule #3: Assert dominance. This is the most important rule. You should always make him know how much more interesting, smart, funny, entertaining, thrill-seeking, and awesome you are compared to him. Wear eight inch heels so you’re taller than him, laugh louder at your own hilarious jokes, and eat as much food as you can to prove that you are the alpha.

I’ve prepped you enough, now go and be free.

Sincerely,

Doctor Love

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Dear Doctor Love,

My girlfriend broke up with me two days ago and I’ve been crying into my boba ever since. How do I move on? She was the boba to my milk tea, the cilantro to my pho, the endless suffering to my QUEST project. Life is meaningless.

Sincerely,

Teardrops on my Boba

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Don’t worry Lewinsky, I know exactly what you’re going through. A few months ago, my wife asked for a divorce because of “artistic differences”. I wanted to name our son Optimus Prime Rib for obvious reasons and she wanted to name him Jayden. Can you imagine the kind of bullying and harassment he would get if his name was Jayden??? After that, I went on a enlightening journey that helped me figure out who I truly am and what I want in life.

In other words, I flew to Russia in a fit of grief, was captured by the KGB for using a fake passport, spent two months in Russian prison with my cellmate Maxim Petrov (who showed me how to make a skiv), broke free, escaped to Siberia, lived in a hut with an old lady and her three pet weasels, found two forgotten hundred dollar bills on the ground and bought a ticket to Lithuania where I disguised myself as a candle merchant and gained enough money to fly back here and start a new life as an advice columnist. Here, my advice would be to buy that ticket to Russia, start a new life, and then when that new life ultimately falls apart, come back and become an advice columnist for a barely read high school newspaper in the quiet suburbs of the Bay Area run by weird, nerdy kids who cry themselves to sleep at night, desperate for a taste of love and recognition.

Yours,

Doctor Love

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Dear Doctor Love,

I want to find a boyfriend before school is over, because I need to impress my parents and my friends. I’ve tried everything from building a trap with a box and a piece of string to strategically placing milkshakes around my front and back yard. No luck. Valentine’s day is coming soon and I need some arm candy to prove how cool I am.

Yours,

My Milkshakes Did NOT Bring Any Boys to the Yard

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Dear milkshakes,

That milkshakes idea is a lie. What will really help you find a boyfriend is a jalapeno popper, a butcher’s knife, military-grade rope, and an audiobook of Origin of Species. This sounds crazy, but hear me out.

First take the jalapeño popper, the true key to any boy’s heart, and balance it on a windowsill. Place a fan behind the jalapeno popper to maximize the scent potential to reach its target. Then, take a large butcher’s knife and lie in wait for your prey. Take the butcher’s knife, and when your helpless prey arrives, hold the butcher’s knife high above your head, and bring it down on the jalapeño popper and crush it in front of his eyes. Watch the tears slide down his face before you pull out the rope and tie the prey up. Then, play the audiobook of Origin of Species. Leave him in the room while the Origin of Species finishes playing and come back. You will have broken him. He will listen to all of your commands now. Don’t ask me how I know this information. Let’s just say my ex-wife was… complicated.

Yours truly,

Doctor Love