IRVINGTON: 21 students at Irvington High School have now been confirmed socked as a result of the annual senior “Assassin” game. In two weeks of backstabbing and bore, students brutally socked each other in doves, and a further 9 students are in emergency care (injury numbers being low, of course, because injured targets are easy kills). The most common type of socking was smothering, and even the most innocent participants were socked down in their own homes. Nerf pistols were used as bludgeons and pencils gave stab wounds, but the more dangerous weapons were less common. Only 6 of the socked were due to an actual sock, which were unceremoniously slammed at people, causing blunt force trauma.

“It was our most successful year yet,” said senior (name withheld for security reasons). “In the past, we’d only manage to nab three or four of the targets at a time. This year, we managed to take 21 of them down, and 9 of them are 50-50 at this point! We have a casualty count of 30; that’s significant progress.”

As casualty reports continue to increase, students and staff are being investigated for their complicity in the systemic failure that occurred for the past few weeks. It is estimated that more than 75 people were original participants in the game, but high casualty numbers forced more people to voluntarily join the game. Teachers are being criticized that they didn’t do enough during the crisis.

“None of the English Department would even participate. We’d ask for binders and they’d give us binder paper. You don’t know how hard it is to smack someone with paper.” said (name withheld for security reasons). “You need a lot of paper.”