Irregular attendance letter

Dear Parents of Ledoy Yob

This letter is written with deep concern to you considering your offspring’s attendance. This is to inform you that your descendant Ledoy has missed class time due to having at least 1 of, or a combination of the following:

Excessive amounts of tardies will lead to unnecessary hardships for your child to complete his required schoolwork. I ask that you either find a solution for the entire Blacow 7:56 am traffic situation, or help improve your child’s mile time to ensure that they sprint to school fast enough to GET THOSE 5 EXTRA MINUTES OF EDUCATION.

Your child might be a student athlete, he might have health issues throughout the school year, or he might have a family emergency. We really, genuinely, wholeheartedly, wholeliverly, and wholelungly care about your offspring, but, since student attendance accounts for school funding, we care enough to send you this default letter instead of understanding your specific circumstances. What? There’s 2400 of you, you think we have time?

It is vital for your child to receive education consistently. Attending school is a way to succeed, another way is to become a meme and gain celebrity-like status, but for your child’s case… he should just stick to school.

You are preventing your child from being in school and stressing out, and that’s NOT healthy to your child’s proper development. Because of these repeated tardies or absences from school, your child is in a position to be referred to the School Attendance Department (SAD); legal action may be filed to you through Child Protective Services for refusal to comply and send your child to school. This will result in abduction of your child by FUSD, and your child will be confiscated from your terrible parenting.

If you should receive another truancy letter, we will find you, and we will be at your door — vans and candies ready.

XOXO Lots of Love

Debrah Dawg

Principal of Fremont Under Severe Destitution