Dear Nafu,

I’ve been seriously considering using the Irvington bathrooms lately, but they’re absolutely disgusting! Usually I can hold it in until I get home, but recently, I’ve been getting explosive diarrhea after eating my mom’s potato salad. I’m afraid of telling her in case she gets mad and disowns me, but I also don’t want to have bowel problems for the rest of the year. What should I do?

Desperately in need of help,

Diah Ria

Dear Diah Ria,

The answer is simple— to best solve a problem, you need to attack it at its roots. The root of your problem is not caused by the school bathrooms, or your mom’s cooking skills, but potatoes. Without potatoes, there would be no potato salad and no more explosive diarrhea. You must concoct a plan to inflict the greatest amount of pain and suffering on the potato. Once you find their location, draw obscene faces on them. Find a way to smuggle them into school and stuff them into the school toilet and force them to smell the disgusting odor that they once forced you to smell (it’s all about revenge!). Then, take them out of the toilet and mash them into goo, which you can then sell to the school cafeteria.

Hope this helps,

Nafu

Dear Nafu,

I’m always procrastinating when it’s time to study for tests, and my grades have really been dropping lately. How do I break this habit?

Not studying for anything,

A “Productive” Guy

Dear A “Productive” Guy,

I don’t know, but I’ll tell you later. I promise.

Tell you tomorrow, or the day after, or a month after, or a year after, or never,

Nafu

Dear Nafu,

I have twenty AP tests coming up and am taking forty AP preparation classes. I have read all of my textbooks at least ten times and have also clogged my Youtube watch history with Crash Course and Boseman Science videos. Along with that, I have bought all of the AP Exam preparation books, movies, and audio books, along with twenty tutors that give me lessons on a daily basis. I have even gone out to shops in Chinatown to buy little lucky charms to help me on the exam. Last of all, I have also dedicated four hours out of my life everyday to pray to the AP Gods and to Collegeboard. What else do I need to do to get a five on my AP Exams?

Trying a little too hard to please my parents,

Tri-Hawd

Dear Tri-Hawd,

Just stop.

Not so sincerely,

Nafu