Irvington Implements New Campus Facility Standards

Shradha Krishnamurthy, Entertainment Editor

Due to consistent complaints from IHS students that the school’s facilities are “outdated” and “prisonlike”, Irvington administration has decided to change a few things to improve student satisfaction. 

When asked what these improvements entail, Idon Tcare, Irvington Head of Standards said, “We say that they’re improvements, but we’re really just renaming things in order to decrease the number of snide comments and  amount of complaints made by students.”

The Voice was able to steal the list of new names and descriptions of school locations from the administration’s top secret bunker. Read at your own risk!

  1. Classrooms= Interactive Learning Centers
    1. Now with Smart Boards that work a whopping 60% of the time (as opposed to the previous 20%) students can get a full 30 minutes of unhindered education before some sort of technical issue befalls the class. Additionally, rather than have a district-controlled thermostat that acts up every now and then, we’ve done away with heating and air conditioning as a whole! Are your classrooms filled with younglings that yearn to explore the world? The new rooms will be so cold, they won’t need to travel to the north or south poles! Students can enjoy temperature extremes from the comfort of their gum covered seats! 
  2. Bathrooms= Excrement Niches 
    1. Featuring new paper towels that stick to the dispenser 2x more than before (to encourage the use of our air dryers that are as dented as hydroflasks) and more graffiti! The true intellectual capacities of the school rest not in the classrooms-er, interactive learning centers– but in the bathrooms. The future artists and writers like to express themselves through original poetry and artwork on the stall walls. Students may also use their IDs to check out an occupied sign to mark the door for them when the locks are always broken! In addition, we promise to keep our student to bathroom ratio between 5 and 10 times higher than the state average… and what is strictly legal.
  3. That Place Where the Hallway Meets the Blacktop= Transition Vestibule 
    1. With twice the amount of crowding and scariness (formerly with only one freshman disappearance a month in the crush of pushy students, now upgraded to two), the transition vestibule guarantees that the student will have the most unbearable time attempting to pass through, worse than dealing with confused underclassmen, trying to get from one Interactive Learning Center to another! It helps build a work ethic— you gotta work to survive, kids! 
  4. The Cafeteria- Consumption Bistro
    1. The all new Consumption Bistro will feature a new and improved eating area with thrice the number of tables crammed into the smallest amount of square footage possible (notice how we didn’t say legal) and new and improved vomit scented (flameless) Yankee Candles (because boo, the Fire Department refuses to turn a blind eye to actual fires) to really enhance the sensory experience and add to those wonderfully fragrant notes of miscellaneous food waste permeating the air. Additionally, students can enjoy filling meals of terrifyingly overpriced (now five times more expensive!) recycled hot and cold food waste (which is nutrition neutral in the way we aspire to be carbon neutral) from our amazing dining center (waiver required in case of food poisoning, or more commonly, death).  
  5. The Gym/Assembly location- The Grandiose Coliseum 
    1. The Grandiose Coliseum features all new flooring, made of recycled packing peanuts, and new bleachers, complete with an utter lack of railings, or any safety measures, really. Now, when the rally commissioner comes around asking our students “how they feel”, they can rise up (if only because movements in unison are required to keep the whole seating situation from falling apart) and say “we feel so good, oh we feel so good, oh” with a bright smile on their faces!  Students can enjoy school dances, and DJs will receive a prime set up of a mini stage made of old milk crates (structural integrity not guaranteed). Physical Education classes can delight in the lack of ventilation and new sweaty sock scented oils posted around the perimeter.