Aries (March 21-April 19): With your ambition and perseverance, you have what it takes to be successful in life in a way that everyone saw coming. You will definitely be a spunky business person who lands all the deals, takes but never gives, and always has the stocks in the market up no matter who else is falling behind. Spouses and kids are irrelevant: you cannot have any distractions while climbing to the top. But being a loner has its perks: you get a multi-million dollar penthouse all to yourself. 

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): You love the luxurious life and refuse to settle for anything less than what you deserve. What else can you be but a beauty guru? Sponsorship’s, brand deals, merchandise, meet and greets, and more await you in the future. Best of all, it won’t be boring. As per your contract with the management company you signed with, you’re obligated to get into at least two scandals per year. Throw some shade, spill some tea, and set unreasonably high prices for cheap products, and you’ll say goodbye to the dull, normal lifestyle you had before. It’s not like you could go back, as you bet your entire life’s career on this and don’t have a diploma since you dropped out of school to be in front of the camera.

Gemini  (May 21 – June 20): You have many passions in life, so that means that you keep on changing your mind when it comes to your career. The strangest part is that you decided to pursue your passions at the same time. You’re a dog whisperer in the morning, a pilot in the afternoon, a hula dancer in the evening, and a nightclub bouncer in the early morning . Even with all these jobs combined together, you can’t pay your bills and are being evicted from your house as we speak. Based on prior experience, you’ve resorted to living in the first class section of the plane you pilot until you find a new place. Maybe you won’t even want to find a new one with that VIP experience you’re receiving.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22): Whatever life throws you, you’ll gladly accept with open arms, even when life throws it at your face. You decide to be a freelance hippie and let life take you to where it wants you to go, which just means you travel across the country with no money and live wherever you can find shelter.  Seriously, you don’t do anything at all. Your parents, 3 kids with 3 different people, and even your pets judge you harshly, but you just brush them off and answer, “It’s coolio my dude, lets go and give some love to the world.” Even after losing all your possessions and pet watermelon named Lucy, you take these losses with dignity.

Leo (July 23 – August 22): You’re a charmer through and through. You’re an actor through and through, as other jobs required intelligence, which you are clearly not capable of. You couldn’t pass health class in high school. That smile can blind normal people, and make blind people see again. Your charm even defies the laws of science! Thus, an actor is the only job for you, as that theatrical nature of yours is just too flamboyant to unleash into normal society. Designer clothes will adorn you as you walk down the red carpet and pose in poses that will most likely crack a few bones, all just to get a few good photo shoots in. 

Virgo (August 23 – September 22): You are a kind and gentle soul who can’t bring yourself to hurt even the ugliest of bugs. This is why you would be perfect to be a zookeeper. Animals need care, which is your specialty, even if they don’t appreciate your efforts as much as they should. These animals play rough and tough, and will make your life worse than any high school bully out there. Monkeys are constantly throwing excrement at you while jumping across vines. Rhinos have the tendency to charge you whenever you enter the enclosure and leave you unable to walk for a few hours. The lions look at your hand with more hunger than they look at the steak you set out for them during meal time. Any longer at this job and you might not make it out alive.  

Libra (September 23 – October 22): Everything has to be perfect for you, or it doesn’t work. You’ll most likely end up as a famous fashion designer who can’t bother to deal with other people. You don’t even walk out into the street without your personal entourage blocking your sight with large black panels, because you know you’ll get sick if you see all the disgustingly normal clothes that people are wearing. Zhee odazithee (the audacity)! Why do you have a fake french accent? Well, it’s a must of course! The accent just helps improve the dramatic aspect of your career. You’ll be firing your interns as fast you’ll be dropping the season’s new line of blazers for middle-aged moms in mid-life crises. 

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): You are very passionate and tend to find the deepest meaning in things, even when they have no meaning at all. You’re definitely set to be a somewhat insane psychic who makes way too dramatic movements with your hands-actually, your whole body- to get your points across. And the weirdest thing is that people tend to believe you when you tell them things like “follow the light” or “your mom’s a cat”, even though you’re making up the predictions on the spot. In reality, you’re running a scam. You just stalk people’s social media, then tell them things about themselves. The best part is that they even buy the lucky “charms” that you put spells on, which are really just necklaces made by your five-year-old niece. 

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): You are very smart humorous. You were always told to keep your tongue in your mouth, but with your future career, you won’t have to. As a comedian, you have to use your mouth to keep people laughing, of course. You’ll have at least 2 dozen Netflix comedy specials by the end of the year, and even more scheduled for the rest of your life. Seriously, you got into a contract with Netflix and now you can’t get out. They keep making you do these specials and now you’re running out of jokes. At this point, the audience consist of hired actors who are paid to laugh at an uncontrollable amount at everything you say. Even when you take a sip of water, they just keep going. Honestly, it’s terrifying but you are getting the cha-ching, if ya know what I mean. 

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): You are very optimistic and mischievous, and that youthful and adventurous spirit never leaves you no matter how many years pass by. Therefore, you would most probably be cast as one of the contestants of a survival TV show. When you got on the show, they just stuck a camera to your body and told you to “not die”. How encouraging. What you didn’t know was that they would dump you in the Amazon and not give you any resources or any form of contact with the outside world. At this point, it’s more of a horror movie at this point.With your fellow contestants resorting to cannibalism, and with you trying not to be cut down by the chainsaws being used for deforestation. Your only goal now is to make it out alive.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): You’re a free-spirited and radical person who doesn’t like to bow down to authority and wants to make a difference in this world, especially if it means you can take out the bad guys . You’d be the perfect super agent/spy who takes out bad guys easily. You have 5 wigs crammed into your purse and at least two dozen different outfits on standby just in case. Unfortunately, it’s gotten to the point where you don’t even know who you are anymore. Not emotionally, but you literally forgot your name, actual physical appearance, and personal history. With so many different identities and the plastic surgeries you did with them, it’s hard to keep track of them all. You even have a fake family but your fake spouse is fake divorcing you, making you even more confused on what’s happening.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20): You’re emotional as hell. If someone tells you to “ move aside a little” in the grocery store, you start bawling. But this is precisely why you would become the perfect therapist. It’s not because you could tell them how to deal with their problems-because,let’s face it, you can’t even deal with your own problems- but because you are a very good listener. All you have to do is sit there and nod your head while you listen to them until they are satisfied with your work and then hand you a fat paycheck. A total of maybe four words is conversed between you and your patient. Oh well, you have to pay off those crippling student loans.