First, to see your counselor, you need to check to see which counselor you should talk to. According to the ratio recommended by the American School Counselor Association, Irvington needs 16 counselors, one for every 250 students. But our measly three counselors are surely powerful enough to handle the 2000 students on campus.

Next, introduce yourself so that your counselor actually knows your who you are. The counselors have so many students that they have to use quizlets to remember their names. Rumors are that they never even finished making these quizlets, so your counselor most likely still won’t even know who you are. Instead, write your ID number on a name sticker so it’s easier for them to identify you. 

Second, tell the counselor what grade you are in so that they can give you scripted advice from those quizlets that they love to makelove making! If you’re a freshman, try to ask for some recommendations regarding the class pathways you choose. The counselors will always tell you to avoid picking hard classes so you don’t end up being depressed. If you get depressed, that’s more work for them to do and less time to spend online shopping on Nordstrom Rack! Thus, you’ll end up never getting those challenging class that you actually wanted to take and you’ll get 66 elective classes instead. If you’re a junior, remember to beg your counselor for those 420 AP classes that you need to take. Unfortunately, the counselors will take approximately 69 weeks to actually change your schedule, so by the time you actually get your classes, the school year will be over. If you’re a senior, make sure to ask your counselor for a college recommendation letter… but if only they knew your name! Alas. Let’s hope that they use some spicy adjectives when describing you when they use their mad-libs recommendation letter template to write your letter. 

Lastly, you want to be the first in line to see your counselor. The only way to achieve this is skip all your classes in the morning and race to your counselor’s office. All of Irvington’s counselors only spend around 1 minute total to see students during lunch time because they need to spend the rest of their day making those quizlets! Legends say that the lines are still ongoing outside those counselor offices. Another more effective method is to not go to school and all and not exposing yourself to a toxic environment. With your mental health problem cleared and your conscience squeaky clean, you won’t need to see your counselors in the first place!