Why the Pool is Really Being Remodeled: The Truth!


Will Peng, Staff Writer

You may have seen the stream of water being spilled out of the Irvington pool into the parking lot, or some guys standing in the empty pool repaving the walls and the floor. It might seem obvious that the only reason that they’re emptying it is to remodel the pool. But is that really the only reason? I put on my aluminum foil thinking cap and I thought long and hard about what the school’s true motives could be. I’ve come to the conclusion that they’re emptying the pool because the pool water is becoming far too contaminated by other substances.

One of the most important reasons is oil. The U.S. military secretly comes to the school at night and drills oil out from underneath the pool, with school approval, of course. With this information in mind, it could be possible that in an accident, the U.S. had caused a massive oil spill and they were too lazy to clean it up themselves, so they asked the school to just empty it out. It’s perfect for them, because there’s people to cover up the oil reserves with a new cement floor.

But the secrets don’t stop there: the school is hiding the fact that there could be massive amounts of nuclear waste in the pool. According to allexxzhounsblog.com, in the 1950s, during the Cold War, secret missiles were stored underneath every school in America, to be used in the event that a nuke is dropped. Over time, people have forgotten about these missiles the Cold War’s tensions were lowered. The missile is still underneath the pool, and radiation has most likely been seeping out for decades now. The school is probably doing some damage control by removing all that waste out. Think about all the swimmers that swam in the pool and the effect it had on their bodies. In the future, don’t be surprised to see a swimmer produce a three-armed mutant child.

Also, word has it that the school district is investigating rumors that Russians have hacked the pool’s filtration and heating systems. Some say that the water is turned down to freezing temperatures when the opponent school’s students are in the water, but is at a comfortable warm temperature when Irvington students are swimming, giving the Vikings an advantage. In a press conference, the coach’s spokesperson reported that there was no Russian conspiracy. When asked to explain the change in pool temperature, which has been proven to be true, the spokesperson attributed the phenomenon to the swimmers themselves: “We have video proof that the swimmers from other schools are lizard people. If you look at their eyes beneath their goggles closely, you can see them blinking vertically rather than horizontally. It’s clear that these swimmers are shapeshifters whose true form are lizards. When they enter the pool they lower the temperature of the water purely due to their body temperature because they’re cold-blooded animals.”

The most common contaminant contaminant turns out to be chlorine, and is arguably more important of a factor than oil. Chlorine is dumped into the pool like a gas company dumps CO2 into the atmosphere. In fact, chlorine concentrations are so high that swimmers entering the pool without goggles are at risk of becoming blind. Irvington student Candice Joe recalls the day she went blind: “I got too close to the person in front of me and he kicked off my goggles, burning my eyes off. I now navigate in the water through echolocation.” Another student, Phillimus Swiftamius, remembers the day he lost his taste buds: “I was thirsty, so I took a sip of the pool water. I could feel the bitterness of the water envelope my lungs and burn my taste buds. ” Yet another student describes how the toxic pool water has significantly reduced his chances of becoming a mating partner: “I used to swim in that pool every day. I now regret that decision every day. The instant a woman sees me she runs away in disgust because of my dry and wrinkled skin. I could walk around in a clown mask and still attract more ladies.”

In conclusion, the narrative that the pool is being emptied for remodeling is fake news. There are several contaminants in the water and the school is trying to hide it, but the truth can never be covered up for very long.