Dear Yolotl,

All my friends are making totally tubular memes and I feel left out. They keep roasting me about how I am not woke. What do I have to do to attain the woke?

Dr. Y. Memes

Dear Dr. Y. Memes

You need to start by making more practice memes. The training is necessary for success. I personally recommend spending at least 20 hours a day making these memes. Then you need to spend the rest of your time not sleeping. Add some stress, self-depreciation, low self-esteem, and tada! You have achieved the lowest level of wokeness. Why are you woke, you ask? Sleep deprivation makes you inherently incoherent and that gives birth to the most nonsensical sentences. In fact, one of the greatest, wokest people in the world, Elon Musk, is constantly sleep deprived (as seen in the bags under his eyes), and is also the wokest man alive. Coincidence? I think not. After that, watch some really trippy videos, start making bogus conspiracy theories and shower thoughts OR just sacrifice a chicken in front of a shrine to James Charles, while wearing a scrunchie, drinking boba through a metal straw in a hydro flask and say sksksks for twenty minutes. The level of cringe you attain from this pushed your intellect forward. You get a blessing from James Charles and that will help you get woke.

Good luck in your endeavors.

From,

Psychedelic Yolotl

Dear Yolotl,

Why are the freshmen so short? How can I avoid running over them?

From,

Bull Dozer

Dear Bull,

Before we begin discussing how to avoid the freshmen, we need to know their history. The chemicals released from the construction of the new building at Horner has led to a race of mutants: super tall sophomores, and super short freshmen. Thus, the only logical explanation for their unusually diminutive stature is that the freshmen, like Gregor Mendel’s pea plants, are maybe just not dominant enough. There are no dominant alleles in their body, so not only are they short, but also beta. By treating them like the betas that they are, you can become an AP Bio grinder too! As upperclassmen, it is your responsibility to carry out natural selection. When the shortest freshmen will be stomped out (literally), the tall will survive, s we see directional selection. If you decide to run over them, you need to carry out your task to completion or else they’ll just get compressed like in Mario Kart! This makes navigating the hallways even more treacherous as we now have a bunch of gremlin-like freshmen running around. Thus, we either need to fully carry out the stomping or ACTUALLY watch where we are going, which is an atrocity because you aren’t a freshman and you’re higher on the food chain. 

In short: Fullsend and crush the freshmen.

Your friend,

Mega Mushroom Yolotl

Dear Yolotl,

Hi! I am a transfer student and I just got to California. How do I become a typical Californian? I want friends.

From,

Francessca Ottawaka Brohmson

Dear Francessca,

This is such a good question. As an omnipresent being, I too had trouble fitting in here at Irvington. First, you dye your hair (preferably a color of a highlighter), or anything that is bright enough to burn people’s eyes out of their sockets. Then, become vegan: it is impossible to be a Californian and still consume anything that isn’t green and leafy. You need your daily dose of chia seeds, or your chakras won’t align during Mercury’s retrograde. After uniting with the Earth, call yourself an activist or a victim of any issue you can remotely connect to yourself.  To sound like a local, upgrade your diction. “Discussing things” becoming “unpacking modern issues”, making self deprecating jokes is “problematic behavior” and confirms that you have “psychological turmoil”. You now need to get “triggered” by “nanoaggressions” like your teacher asking you why your homework is late. This will lead to you becoming a high-school dropout because the teaching system is inherently biassed against people who cannot learn. Now, vent your woes via slam poetry, hitting up many “eco-pubs” taking wheatgrass shots. Finally, you are approaching the core Californian values. Once you realize that your hair follicles have had enough genocide from the chemicals in your dye, shave your head and start sporting only tie-dye colors. And to cement your ideals, every conservative idea now is “fascist”, “racist”, and any other -ist you can think of. With all of this, you can become a true Cali-person.

From,

Leftist Yolotl

Dear Yolotl,

I always see turkeys in Warm Springs, but after Thanksgiving, they’re gone. Where do they go?

Yours truly,

1. Oble

Hey G. Oble,

Why are you asking me? I don’t know. It’s not like I have a carefully concocted plan to acquire military-grade weapons to hunt down turkeys (and Turkey) and eat them for thanksgiving. Also, on a completely unrelated note, if any of you readers have a garage large enough to store an Intercontinental Ballistic Missile, please let me know.

Sincerely,

Not a turkey-killer Yolotl