Half functioning, sketchy, and won’t accept one-dollar bills on a bad day: it’s not the world’s most uptight, tired exotic dancer, it’s Irvington’s vending machines. However, some students rely on them to provide some food in order to harness energy for cellular respiration get a kick from the food when there’s too many freshmen crowding the 7-Eleven. Here’s a breakdown on the top snacks Irvington has to offer, from the best to the worst, so you know what snack to get the next time you hear your stomach grumbling halfway through a reading quiz.

1. Buzz Strong’s Chocolate Chip Cookie:

It’s a stale version of a chocolate chip cookie, without as much flavoring as one. The only time you taste sweetness is when you hit an ore of chocolate. Otherwise, it’s a “dessert” disguised as flavored white bread. When you have nothing else to eat and desperately need a sugar kick, this is your go-to.

2. Hot Cheetos:

The snack that causes the ubiquitous scarlet red powdery dust on the consumers’ fingers and a staple for late-night grinders. After your first twenty Cheetos or so (depending on your spice tolerance), your mouth starts to heat up faster than the tension in a classroom when a kid talks back to the teacher. If you can’t get your hands on these, eating a few jalapenos from 7-Eleven works just as well.

3. Lays Kettle Cooked Potato Chips, Applewood Smoked BBQ

Trick yourself that you are healthier than you actually are by ordering these kettle-cooked, not fried, chips.  By buying these chips, you will have achieved transcendence, and ultimately fused yourself and Mother Nature in life. In fact, you’ll be able to talk to animals and plants. These chips have 40% less fat than the original Lays chips, but they’re about as dry as my humor. The flavor isn’t bad though, considering the fact that they used half as much fat. 

4. Corn Nuts:

What’s that sound? No, it’s not the satisfying crunch of a salty snack. It’s your molar shattering, after biting into Corn Nuts. These are so spiced up and salty that, if not for the shape, you would forget that it was previously a vegetable in its past life. But when you’re starving in class, it’s a decent substitute for the chips and fast food you eat during lunch, with the tradeoff of everyone wondering where the drilling sounds are from. 

5. Cheez Its:

Ahh yes, salty and crunchy. The embodiment of the American diet- too fatty, too orange, and too salty (as represented by our current president). But it’s actually quite tasty. After being chewed for long enough, this cracker morphs into a cheddar mush. Unfortunately with these cheese crackers, you won’t be seeing the happy smile from Goldfish (for this reason, Goldfish are better. feel free to fight me).

6. Chex Mix: 

It’s that bonanza of crackers in shapes that you would never dream of in a million years. By the way, it’s been scientifically proven that the pretzel bread tastes best, so y’all online haters can chill. But through the way these are packaged, you’ll be lucky to find more than a 1:3 ratio of the pretzel bread to the plain squiggle shaped crackers. 

7. Cheetos:

Hot Cheetos’ cousin twice removed, leaving trails of fluorescent orange dust on your fingers and everything you come within a 3 feet radius of. Like vaping, an addiction to Cheetos transforms from a light snack to a daily dependency. If you find yourself reaching to take a hit of the cheese powder during class, feel free to call the addiction helplines posted all around campus.

8. Fruit snacks:

Fruit snacks are just America’s attempt to allow people to taste Mother Nature’s bounty. But it’s about 10 times sweeter than the original fruit would be, and colored with excessive food coloring. Don’t forget the caramel-like stickiness on your teeth–it’ll take at least three gulps of water for you to get the gunk out of teeth. If you like sugary artificially colored and flavored snacks, this is for you.