The professionals at IHS Voice were very bored and hungry one day. With Mariah Carey playing in the back of their minds they decided to eat some gimmicky cookies and turn it into an even more gimmicky article. Without sounding too Buzzfeed-y, here is the definitive ranking of the best holiday cookies offered at Trader Joe’s (that’s all we had on hand). 

Our team’s least favorite was the Ginger Snowball Cookies. Each cookie, if you can even call it that. It’s about the size of making a circle with your thumb and your forefinger, like what Trump does. It looks like raw dough dusted with powdered sugar, and the coat of white powder is used to hide the root of all evil, ginger, Even though it smells mysteriously of parmesan, little ginger chunks appear on the surface of the cookie, inviting you to take a bite into them. Consumption of this cookie is the most agonizing experience imaginable, as it also leaves the vilest aftertaste known to mankind. Not a single person went for a second bite, and most didn’t even finish the first.

Above the snowball cookies are the Candy Cane Joe Joe’s. Think Peppermint Oreos but with white filling and candy cane chunks. It was generally agreed upon that the filling was not peppermint flavoring as advertised, but actually toothpaste. Small candy cane pieces were surgically inserted into the filling, with the intent to break teeth The cookies themselves taste almost indistinguishable from oreos: they are both very dry. An admirable but ultimately futile attempt at a Christmas Oreo. Someone from our team noted that, after consuming the cookie, had their sinuses cleared. We’re glad to hear that Trader Joe’s has expanded into the medical field.

Next up: the Dark Chocolate Covered Peppermint Joe Joe’s. Similar to the Candy Cane Joe Joe’s, but coated in dark chocolate to resemble a hockey puck. Biting into the chocolate- er, cookie- was an ordeal indeed. The coat was too hard to bit into: its texture resembled the amber used to preserve prehistoric organisms. If you happened to lose a tooth while trying to bite through it, you’ll be pleased to hear that you can recover your tooth in a few millennia. That is, if the chocolate doesn’t melt first, making your fingertips sticky and chocolate-y. The chocolate is so overpowering that we couldn’t even tell that it was a cookie until rechecking the package. Someone from our team commented, “I know kids in Africa are starving but they shouldn’t be fed this”. 

Now if these reviews are looking pretty grim, fear not. It’s part of the classic strategy of presenting bad news before good news so the latter looks better in comparison. Like when English teachers pose two in-class-essays before compromising and giving you just one in-class-essay, or when America elects Trump as the president (what comes next? I’m not so sure). What a steal. The best deal I ever did see. 

In third place, we have the Lebkuchen Cookies, a traditional German cookie. The size of each cookie is intimidating, and the look isn’t the most appetizing, but the spices injected into the cookie are powerful. The lovely German elves of Trader Joes somehow managed to add an orange-y, citrus-y aftertaste to the cookie. You’ll eventually realize that whatever sugar was in the cookie has been stored on the surface of the cookie. The sugar prefers to hibernate in colonies, forming bacteria-like groups, at the top of the cookie. The texture was very chewy and a nice break from the dryness and crunchiness of the other cookies. 

In second place, we have the Mini Gingerbread Men. These gingerbread men were abducted from their gingerbread houses and forced to serve in the gingerbread army until a gingerbread coupe-d’etat took place in the gingerbread capital. Political, social, and gingerbread turmoil ensues. In search of salvation, the gingerbread men enter the Box and are content. Then the Box is stamped with a seal and shipped off to your local Trader Joe’s. The gingerbread men are delicious, and, contrary to their tragic nature, are actually quite pleased that you are eating them and their fellow Box-goers. The gingerbread flavor is somewhat subdued and the icing on the bottom adds some class to the horrific purging of the gingerbread men. 

Finally, in first place, are the Dark Chocolate Stars. These are star-shaped shortbread cookies coated with dark chocolate and sprinkled with…sprinkles. It carries a nice crunchiness and crispiness. Dipping the cookies in milk will add a dark chocolate flavor to the milk, thus resulting in Cursed Milk. Whoever drinks the Cursed Milk will be forced to live off of Whole Foods products and speak in iambic pentameter because of the dark chocolate in the Cursed Milk. The dark chocolate flavoring is not too bitter or too sweet, which pleases the Asian Mothers everywhere. The sprinkles also add a nice touch and help convince that I am consuming stars on a star. Overall, a pleasant cookie eating experience that I will certainly choose to share…with myself.