It is unavoidable that sooner or later, the world will run out of toilet paper, and eventually, tissue paper, cardboard, sandpaper, and whatever else you wipe your bottom with. When that day comes, you’ll have The Voice to thank, because all of the unread papers strewn across classrooms will finally be put to use. 

While it might feel more emotionally satisfying to use your physics homework or math textbook, those papers are crisp and sharp and could be potentially dangerous to your bottom. You wouldn’t want to bleed to death on the toilet. The Voice is made from soft, recycled paper, so it’s actually a perfect alternative to toilet paper. And if you’re bored in the bathroom, you could always read our articles before wiping. Just keep in mind that the ink we use is potentially toxic, so just don’t wipe too hard, if you know what I mean. 

When unfolded, the newspaper takes up a ton of space, which makes it terrible for reading on a desk, but perfect for toilet paper. Every page is huge, so it’s great for folding up. Unlike the thin, limited area of normal school toilet paper, the Voice is wide and extensive, encompassing bottoms and dumps of any size. It’s almost as if it was designed for use in a bathroom, and not on a desk. 

I hope you realize how fortunate you are that The Voice continues to be an active community on the Irvington campus. Without them, the next time you eat a poorly-cooked spicy chicken burger, you might have to use a leaf to wipe up the mess.