Now that we’ve all had a chance to sit at home and do absolutely nothing, I think it’s time that we, as a society, have a very important conversation: whether education is a necessary thing or not. Never mind that education is what allows us to be a functioning society; humanity peaked when it was running around naked in the wilderness. As soon as someone picked up that rock for the first cave drawing, it was all downhill from there. Education may well be the very worst thing humanity has ever come up with, and that’s saying a lot considering that this is the same species that put pineapple on pizza. 

Let’s start at one of the basest pillars of education: reading. Reading is sooooo overrated. Oh how I wish I could be like Jared, 19. If you had never learned how to read, you wouldn’t have to read this right now. In fact, you wouldn’t even have had to read Oedipus in 10th grade! Given the choice, would you have read the book about a guy accidentally sleeping with his mom? Wouldn’t you be so much happier, not needing to read disturbing stories and burying your head in the sand? 

Speaking of happiness, you know why they say “ignorance is bliss”? BECAUSE IT’S TRUE. The less you know, the less you can be upset about. If I had never learned about pineapple pizza, I would be living a much better life right now. So do yourself a favor and stop learning everything right now. If you don’t trust me, take it from the Harvard people. They tried to do a study on the correlation between sadness and knowledge and couldn’t even get it done because they were so sad. 

Not only does education make people sadder, but the education system is going against every principle of evolution. We need to let natural selection take its course. If we’re educating people, how are we gonna get rid of the ones that like pineapple pizza? I know the education proponents are gonna come for me and say “well education is what allows us to have modern society and we’ve made so many leaps in medicine and technology!” WHO CARES! Society sucks anyway – I want to go back to the caves. And scientific achievements you say? What makes you think I care, even a little bit, about the dietary habits of a sea slug? 

So, my fellow Americans, I propose a bold platform of anti-education change. Let’s make society non-existent again, and go back to living the way mother nature always intended. Look at how well it’s working out for our cousins, the apes. Have you ever seen a sad monkey? I say we banish education, and with it, banish the human emotion of sadness.