Squidrick Johnson Has a Tentacle Up in this Presidential Campaign


Squidrick Johnson, with his extreme dedication, presents at the South Carolina Democratic State Convention despite the lack of water.

Just a Squid, Aquatic Animal Correspondence

From the near outbreak of World War III and the Australian fires to the current coronavirus epidemic, the world has gone through difficult times in the span of 3 months. In the wake of the presidential campaign that has divided this nation, Squidrick Johnson, a squid from the revolutionary waters of Boston Harbor, is the best candidate to vote for. 

A graduate from the University of Squid Central (USC), Johnson served as a marine biologist and physical therapist that created the revolutionary tentacle massage therapy, making him well-qualified to lead the nation out of the coronavirus pandemic. At least, more than someone that owns a few hotels here and there and lost all of their daddy’s money. Even with one eye, he can see a clearer solution to this issue than any other candidates running. 

Johnson also alleviates voters’ quite valid concerns that the candidates won’t be able to make it through their presidency. With Joe Biden, Bernie Sanders, and Donald Trump all being over 70 (Bernie reaching 80 in two years), people are having serious concerns about the health and longevity of the candidates. Sanders had a heart attack last year in October. Nobody wants a President that’ll possibly kick the bucket during their time in office. Being a squid, Johnson has three hearts, giving him a 300% chance of outliving his political opponents. If you want a candidate that is three times more likely to survive heart failure, then vote for Johnson. He also has three brains, making up the four years of presidency from the President with half a brain. 

Some people may ask: how would Johnson even lead the nation from underwater? Where is his birth certificate? These issues can easily be remedied by a fun and innovative invention: the inflatable hamster ball. Large in size and spherical in shape, the ball allows Johnson to not only survive on land, but also provides him surprising mobility. And since Johnson was born in American waters, he is still a citizen, qualifying him for presidency.

Johnson is obviously the best choice out of all the candidates. Having a greater chance of survivability, intelligence, and outreach, it’s only a matter of time before he is elected to be the leader of our nation.