New studies published in the Nature Scientific Journal find that the best vaccine to prevent the spread of COVID-19 is actually hoarding toilet paper. In February, 35 families across the United States were found to be immune to the virus, and after heavy investigation and testing, it was found that their DNA had actually changed. The average family in this study had roughly 73 bulk packages of toilet paper in their house, stored near bedrooms, and the findings show this likely had played a huge part in their transformation.

Scientists marched over to these homes last February with full hazmat gear to test these families for COVID-19 after hearing about the amount of toilet paper they had stocked. They needed to confirm whether hoarding toilet paper led to protection from all diseases.

“It was remarkable… their DNA had actually changed.”

A Scientist

“It was remarkable… their DNA had actually changed,” said one scientist. “When I looked at their cells under a microscope I saw little red and blue particles moving around in their DNA. Coincidentally, all the particles seemed to be carrying minute rolls of toilet paper as well. This seems to be giving them immunity.”

In further clinical trials, it was revealed that these red and blue particles forcibly attacked coronavirus when it entered their cells and defended them. When a more powerful microscope was used to find the exact shape of these particles, it was revealed they were in fact part of the Charmin Ultra-Soft Bear genus, valiantly fighting off the invading virus.

The immediate reaction of the community was immense jealousy.

“I was unable to find that much Charmin toilet paper” said one man with 64 packs of ‘Scott’ branded paper. “It makes total sense that toilet paper is the perfect solution— I just got the wrong one.”

It was later reported he raided the nearest Walmart and bought over 40 packs of Charmin Ultra-Soft, before sobbing on the ground in disarray and anger because there simply was not enough to protect him.

This discovery has also done wonders for Charmin’s stock prices in the market. Overall, the US stock market is seeing one of its worst dips since the 2008 recession, but the immense increase in cash flow for the company has seen it go public with its stock ($CHA) and is now trading at well above the market average. It seems to be not only resistant to the coronavirus, but also to its economic effects.

With the discovery of the mini bears that protect their immune systems, the toilet paper company is now being heralded as the next big innovation in antiviral biotechnology, and there’s the extra perk that their branding is literally inside people’s bodies so they can never use any other toilet paper. One family member who had the Charmin particles in her body was physically unable to touch other brands of toilet paper: whence brought within five feet of Kirkland toilet paper, she immediately broke out into hives.

For those wondering if it is advisable to buy mass amounts of Charmin Ultra-Soft Toilet Paper Mega-Packages, know that there is no price for someone’s life. Buy packages of this sure-fire defense mechanism and you will see your whole family’s immunity increase and invest in their stocks to grow your bank account as well.