How Brooms Swept 2020 into the Apocalypse


Mykal Mashack

An evil broom standing up on its own.

2020 has been filled to the brim with natural disasters, moon hexes, and just plain old disasters. However, you may not realize that the culprit is just an ordinary household item. So if you’re sitting here wondering what caused the apocalypse 2020, look no further than a broom. You read that right, your brooms are to blame for all this. But before you burn them at the stake for ruining your summers, there’s an explanation.

On February 10, a rumor spread saying that NASA claimed the Earth’s gravitational pull would make a broom stand up on its own. That rumor was later confirmed to be false, but this is likely NASA’s attempt to cover up what was really going on.

An inside source recently confirmed that gravitational anomalies accounted for the mass spread of coronavirus and the recent thunderstorms and fires in California. Iama Fraud, a fired NASA technician with a strange amount of knowledge about cleaning supplies claims, “I’ve never seen anything like it. The brooms threw the planet’s entire gravitational pull out of balance. This could have astronomical consequences on civilization.” Along with natural disasters, many other effects were listed. 

First off, this could have massive impacts on people’s brains. This past summer was unlike any other, as many of us were stuck at home. But that didn’t stop the brooms from causing chaos. If you’ve noticed people posting pictures of themselves hanging out with their friends and then saying they socially distanced when they very clearly didn’t, it may be too late for them: the brooms got to them first. If these rule-breakers start refusing to wear masks in Trader Joes, call your nearest broom expert immediately. You may be entitled to financial compensation. 

Even the recent gender reveal party that sent the Bay Area up in smoke and fire started as a severe case of what experts are now calling “Broom Stupidity Syndrome.” This occurs when the brooms’ gravitational effects impair a person’s judgment enough that they do something ridiculous like use fireworks around dry grass in the midst of fire season. 

Or maybe you’ve noticed that IHS admin gave you 3 copies of Moby Dick instead of your chemistry textbook and then changed your schedule last minute. Irvington’s broom specialist, Jan Itor, says “The Book Room’s close proximity to Irvington’s broom closet has had some effects on the staff. For instance, many staff members were seen gathered in the courtyard shouting outlandish things like, ‘Irvington’s circular library is completely normal!’ and ‘The vending machines work 100% of the time!’”

The brooms’ gravitational pull is also affecting our technology, which is the reason why Zoom decides to keep you from logging in before you have that class with the teacher who penalizes you for being .1 seconds late. And if your wifi cuts out again for the millionth time, landing you in virtual detention, you have to brooms to thank for that. 

NASA’s resident time and broom expert Thyme T. Raveler says, “This harmless joke could even affect time and space.” Many anomalies in the space-time continuum have been realized already. For example, maybe you’ve noticed that March feels like it was both a year ago and also yesterday. Brooms. Could you swear that a certain homework assignment was due in a week instead of today? Brooms. Did Easter even happen this year??? BROOMS.

Scientists and broom retailers alike are working together to keep this household cleaning tool from ripping apart the very fabric of our universe. Even the government has begun to get involved, creating a broom task force that goes door to door, confiscating and burning people’s brooms. If you are found with a broom, you may be severely penalized. Do your part and throw your broom into a bonfire today. To contact your nearest broom specialist, call 1-800-BROOMS-ARE-EVIL.