A Non-Disastrous Conversation w/ My Past Self Before the Pandemic


A historically accurate depiction of my conversation.

Remember when you could go outside without wearing a mask? Yeah, me neither. These past few months in quarantine have taken a toll on our tiny Homo Sapiens brains and since our memories are pretty much fried, you’ve probably forgotten how life was before the pandemic hit. Guess what though: I got the once-in-a-lifetime chance to travel back in time and meet my past-self from December 2019. And aren’t you one lucky dog, because now you get the chance to see what happened in my neat little time-travel adventure.

DISCLAIMER: Making ANY inquiry intended to find out how I conducted time travel will immediately result in a violation of time travel law, and will either result in total destruction of your physical and mental existence, or trap you in a state of eternal limbo.

Now that you are aware of that minor contingency, here’s the juicy conversation I had.

Future-Me: Hello, my good sire, I am here to ruin your day.

Past-Me: Wait a second, is that… ME?!

Future-Me: Wrong, it’s Beyoncé! Just wanted to tell you about a few things from your bleak and hopeless future.

Past-Me: Am I high? Or are you a… a time traveler?.

Future-Me: Thankfully, it’s the latter.

Past-me: So what’s with that thing on your face?

Future-Me: That THING is called a mask, and it’s here to protect us.

Past-Me: Protect us from wh-? 

Future-Me: Like I was saying, I’m here to tell you about the bright future ahead of you.

Past-Me: Wasn’t it bleak and hopeless a second ago?

Future-Me: That got your attention! Now listen, I can only really tell you some teeny weeny bits and pieces of the future alright?

Past-Me: But why don’t you just tell me everything?

Future-Me: Why don’t I just take you into the future? Why don’t I just start living here? Because of the time travel laws, you birdbrained buffoon.

Past-Me: Didn’t know these laws existed but now I do, thanks very much. Oh, since you’re here anyways, have my basketball skills changed in a year? I’ve gotten better right? 

Future-Me: You’d think… But actually, you’re not even gonna see the court for a long time.

Past-Me: That’s not really the news I wanted.

Future-Me: Ya know you’re starting to sound like Trump.

Past-Me: So if it isn’t basketball, what are you currently into?

Future-Me: *chuckles*…I can’t tell you exactly but the least unusual hobby of mine is probably arranging my — our — shirts in the closet according to their color. 

Past-Me: You gotta be kidding me. Ok, seriously, can you really not tell me what this huge problem seems to be in your timel-

Future-Me: You know I’ve realized, you should go to Costco more often. Can’t tell WHEN you’re gonna need three hundred rolls of triple ply toilet paper.

Past-Me: Is there any point in asking why I have to do all this? Because I’m really hoping you’re not talking about an apocaly-

Future-Me: Aaaand let me stop you right there before you jinx and single-handedly destroy my future. Anyways, staying too long in an alternate timeline is pretty dang bad for my health and it’s getting really dangerous just about now, so gotta scoot bye!

Past-Me: Oh before you go, maybe we can, you know, take a quick photo? Or even just do a simple little handshake? Or is that outdated already?

Future-Me: Sorry, I really don’t wanna shake hands.

Past-Me: Didn’t think I’d get any more socially awkward but here I am…