Back to School Horoscopes


When it comes to a zoom call, Aries will probably be the only one talking.

School’s back along with the 12 Zodiac personalities.

Aries: You were tempted to zoom bomb a class, weren’t you? Stay calm, your impulsivity will be useful when it comes to taking risks and pursuing your dreams. Until then, stick to your own classes. 

Taurus: You might feel the urge to edit a Wikipedia article this month to prove that you were right in an argument where you were wrong. Whatever makes you feel good. After all, your head must hurt from keeping track of every time someone has ever wronged you.

Gemini: Everything will go well for you this month. After all, you do have the best personality, even if you did steal it from your favorite character from the tv show you were watching. Keep an eye out for Cancer though. They’re probably planning to betray you at any moment and you know it. 

Cancer: No, don’t worry, just because you showed up to Spanish zoom call 5 minutes late, doesn’t mean the teacher hates you. Also, why is Gemini acting weird lately? Perhaps Gemini is starting to dislike you for stealing their high polymer strawberry scented eraser 5 years ago that they bought for $10 from the book fair. Not overpriced at all.

Leo: You must have mixed feelings about quarantine. You’re no longer stuck behind slow walkers in the narrow freshman hallway but no one gives you the same amount of attention over Zoom calls as they did in class. That’s rough, buddy. 

Virgo: Your birthday was around this time, wasn’t it? Happy Birthday! Remember that you are spectacular and don’t let people’s inability to mute themselves during zoom calls ruin your day. It can be hard to be the best sign but someone has to. (not biased)

Libra: This month, you need to relax. Not everything is a life-changing decision. It’s that simple.

Scorpio: This month, focus on being a little less blunt. Your opinions about everyone are probably right, but unlike you, some people are a bit sensitive and care about what people think about them. And no, “Sorry I was rude to you yesterday, I’m a Scorpio” isn’t an apology. 

Sagittarius: Try listening to others. People telling you what to do isn’t a bad thing, and intentionally not following the directions that the monotone Google Maps voice tells you will not lead to a good trip. 

Pisces: This month is your lucky month! Your crush will hover their mouse over your cursor on the shared class syllabus. Let the sparks fly via google classroom! Make sure to forget to do the 20 assignments that are piling up while you obsess over them.

Aquarius: Slow down and focus. It’s hard to pretend you have a reason to ignore your work now that you stay home all day, so it’s time to take responsibility. 

Capricorn: Libra wishes they could make calculated decisions like you, and the truth is that if you didn’t have a good moral compass, you’d probably be the villain everyone likes more than the main character(basically Azula) because you actually make smart choices. But as long as you attend high school, please keep your moral compass aligned. For our sake. Please.