As unbelievable as it sounds, Thanksgiving was invented by grocery stores in the colonial era to boost their turkey sales. Now, before you click off this article, hear me out. According to the American Farm Bureau Federation, the average cost of a classic Thanksgiving turkey dinner for ten people is a whopping $48.91. Centuries ago, $48.91 would basically be worth the life of you and your beloved dog together. Look at your innocent and adorable dog chewing on her treat right across from you. Could you imagine giving her up for a one-time meal? Heck not. Now wonder why millions of Americans flock to their local stores and buy turkeys. Beats me why they don’t just grab a chicken burger from McDonalds for under two dollars and call it a day. 

But to really understand the origins of this tradition, we must go back to the very beginning. Turkeys have always been a staple of Thanksgiving, but there really is no sensible reason why. In the month of November, when all the turkeys come out from hibernation and waddle across lawns looking for new homes, it’s a million times easier for hunters to hunt them. When settlers colonized Western America, they used their spears and makeshift traps to hunt these fowls. When the same hunters began selling their turkeys to others (the precursory market to modern grocery stores), they realized creating a holiday for the purpose of eating turkey would ramp up their sales, and so it began.

Now you may be wondering why Thanksgiving is called just that. This part is quite self-explanatory too. Stores were thankful for then-colonists to be stupidly purchasing over-priced turkeys, and I guess the name has just stuck since then. Even more surprisingly, Thanksgiving is celebrated around the world in different countries because of how other cultures have adopted western holidays and traditions. Little do the natives in these regions know the selfish basis of Thanksgiving, but maybe it’s in their best interest to remain unaware. Otherwise, anti-west sentiment is going to grow beyond a threshold we can afford as a country. Yikes.

I don’t enjoy being the bearer of bad news, but you really needed to hear this. Don’t go out buying turkeys for dinner because it isn’t worth it, and I hope in the future you’ll remember it. Do NOT contribute to old, self-interested colonial desires. Save the animals and your money, and while you’re at it, you may as well become vegetarian too. 

I’m kidding– being vegetarian is a bit ludicrous I get it. Just remember: a turkey on Thanksgiving day, keeps human rights away (thanks to corporate America). Do NOT give in to your primal desires and allow the expansion of such capitalistic businesses. Instead, ally with the turkeys by wearing brown clothing until December 1st. Let’s bring down the big grocery chains together!