Dear Yolotl,

I need a change in life. I think I’ve reached that point where I want to just chop my hair or go bald. When I have mental breakdowns, I scroll through Pinterest and look at hair trends. I really want to get curtain bangs like those tiktokers who don’t wear masks and go to Hair by Crispy. How can I get curtain bangs and be as cool as them?

Love,

Hairy Styles

Hi Hairy Styles,

It seems like you are a tangled mess, but that’s ok. I am here to straighten you out and cut down your problems. Based on my elaborate research, the first step is to go to IKEA. Then, head over to their curtain section. I heard they have a variety of colors and lengths, but I recommend that you get the plain ones to match your personality. While you’re there, maybe you’ll find a mate who is also looking to elevate their style. Next, you need a needle and thread. Sew the two pieces of curtains onto the roots of your head. Wah-lah! Curtain bangs! It might be a bit heavy dragging those curtain bangs around, but you’ll get used to it. You will catch a lot of people’s attention with that look too. Super cute! Make sure to show them off on Pinterst. I will make sure to pin it.

From,

Hairapist Yolotl (I’m secretly Brad Mondo; check me out on YouTube)

Dear Yolotl,

Do you ever just look at poop and think it probably tastes like cake? I’ve been seeing way too many objects being cut in half and turning out to be realistic cakes. I don’t even know what’s real or cake anymore. The more I think about it, I have come to realize that we might be living in a big, circular cake. Anyways, I want to learn how to make those realistic cakes. Life seems more fun when everything is actually cake, so please teach me!

Sincerely,

Hannah Baker

Hello Hannah Baker,

First of all, I just want to say that was very deep. I knead to know how to reach your intellectual level. In regards to making realistic cakes, I got you. I was on Cake Wars last season, and I did such a good job that Gordon Ramsey came on to the show just to taste my creations. As you can tell, I am a pro at baking, so here’s my special recipe for you.

Ingredients:

• 1 gallon of cake flour
• 2 hard boiled eggs
• 1 bucket of milk straight out of the udder
• 3 cups of baking powder and baking soda 
• Choice of object

Steps

1. Dump all your ingredients into the Instant Vortex Air Fryer 4 in 1
2. Do not mix. Just let it cook at 600 degrees F and wait until it smells like the Pillsbury doughboy spontaneously combusted in your kitchen. 
3. While the cake is cooking, cut your object in half and make sure it’s hollow.
4. Take the cake out and shove it into your object.

That’s it! You got realistic cake! Isn’t that such a piece of cake?

Have fun,

Yolotl the cake maker

Hey Yolotl,

I just downloaded Among Us, and I’m having trouble winning as an impostor. Even though I am a teenager playing with random little kids online, they still somehow figure out my true identity, address, and social security number. I am currently living in an igloo in Antarctica because they keep finding out my private information. Life is hard being a bad liar and not having a crew of friends to play with. Well, that was my mini vent session. If you have any tips on how I can win or a discord I can join, let me know. 

Thank you,

NotMrBeast

Ayo NotMrBeast,

Wow, this definitely is not a first-world problem. I have a few friends named Corpse, Sykkuno, James Charles, and Toast, not sure if you heard of them, but I think they’ll be willing to play with you. Not only will they let you be part of their crew, but they also can help you win. Also, a big tip is to not choose the colors orange or cyan. I don’t know why but those colors are always sus, so stay away from them. Lastly, my discord invite link is https://discord.gg/do-tasks-and-wear-a-mask. Warning: if you join, you can’t reveal top secret information about my YouTube celeb friends or else Corpse might actually turn you into a corpse… 

Your Irvington impostor,

Yolotl