It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas. The wind is howling outside, “Let It Snow” follows you everywhere you go, and Spotify Wrapped is here. As you go through Spotify Wrapped, you may go through the following phases. 

Phase 1: Great Beginnings

Opening Spotify Wrapped, you are hopeful. Your hopefulness increases once Spotify shows you all the new artists you listened to that year. Congratulations, you’re not a Shawn Mendes fan basic! It’s time to show the rest of the world how not basic you are and post your Spotify Wrapped on Instagram. It’s the most important time of the year. The world is eagerly anticipating such important information. You might even show them your secret favorites, just to aid them on their journey towards great music. You are the Avatar, bender of all the genres, and your time has come to help your people. 

Phase 2: The Pitfall

As Spotify shows you your top genres and musicians, your hopes disappear. Turns out your “not basic” taste is just you listening to Camilla Cabello for 30 hours.You scroll through your stories on Instagram to see that your friend’s top genre was “Swedish Jazz Orkester”. How do you compete with that? How ever will your subjective tastes in music be appreciated again? You smash your phone or your laptop, and pack your bags. You run away from home out of fear of rejection by your followers. You never know, one day they might bring some pitchforks to your house and burn it down.  

Phase 3: Denial

As you stop by a nearby forest, distanced from society at long last, you realize that it’s not your fault. As always, Spotify was rigged. There’s an endless number of possibilities. The Russians hacked your phone, because they heard that your top artist was a capitalist. Look Maybe your 8 year-old cousin stole your phone and listened to “Let it Go” about 800 times. Or maybe, Spotify is a member of the Illuminati and the Illuminati’s top artist was the devil. So evidently, Spotify made your top artist Dixie D’amelio. Since it’s 2020, anything is possible. 

Phase 4: Realization

You’ve come to the realization that your tastes aren’t what you expected them to be, and that’s fine. You don’t necessarily have bad taste because it’s all subjective and your self worth isn’t dependent on Spotify Wrapped. You find the least listened to artist on Spotify and stream them all year long. That way, you can brag about how you have the least basic taste on the planet.

Update: 2 months later, you look forward to your amazing playlist, simultaneously playing Ariana Grande for the 7,000,000th time.