How to Drag Trump Out of the White House


Trump (center) getting dragged out of the White House by FBI.

No one likes a soggy, expired cheeto. It means that it’s time to throw it out. 

But how?

As mentioned by people close to the tangerine, he often throws temper tantrums about the “rigged” election, and his supporters even believed this and climbed the Capitol walls like knock-off ninjas to try and get in. On January 20th, he will probably take on the demeanor of a Karen and refuse to leave the building. Therefore, it is important to create comprehensive, detailed plans to force him out, helping us finally take out the trash that has been stinking up the country for so long. The first step is to tackle each area of his weaknesses.

1. Money, of course. I’m sure we’ve all seen those movies where dogs chase those hot dog links across for countless city blocks. Instead, we will use a “money-link,” basically a trail of cash to lead him out of the White House. Either that or some unseasoned, salty chicken, just how he likes it. 

2. BAN this Cheddar Cheesestick from ever entering a golfing range every again if he doesn’t leave the White House. I mean, he spends most of his time at his golfing place anyways, so I’m sure he’d comply. There’s really no doubt about his decision, actually, since he prioritized hitting some golf balls over an entire pandemic response.

And then, there is the Trump Tower, a skyscraper that stands like a weed in the New York City metropolis. I’m sure if we threatened to melt all the gold off his building, he would probably run to his precious penthouse up there, where he hides his multi-million dollar wigs and try to save them. I’d also say threaten to delete his social media accounts while you’re at it— but that kind of already happened. Anyways, with these coercion tactics, we will definitely be able to get the oompa loompa out of office, once and for all. 

The next strategy will require some careful planning and deception. First we will send a bunch of his cultists—I mean, “supporters”— to the White House so he can rally them up about election fraud or whichever lie he decides to tell that day. But these “supporters” will actually be secret service agents that are dressed in ol’ clementine merch. In order to make this really seem like a circus, these agents will be dressed up in MAGA hats and flags from the country “Georgia” instead of the state “Georgia” (yes a Trump supporter has made this mistake before, surprise surprise). But before the orange man can even utter a word to these “supporters,” they will rush onto the stage and apprehend him. 

Don’t worry though Donald, there’s unseasoned food in jail too.