It’s about that time of year again. Love is in the air. The most important day in our lives is rounding the corner. It’s not graduation, it’s not a birthday, and it most definitely isn’t something meaningful. It’s the day that was made in order to “Christianize” the festival of Lupercalia: Valentine’s Day! 

This hallmark holiday is extremely important to everyone’s day-to-day lives and should be celebrated in a manner befitting its status. Cast aside the cliche chocolates. Forego the flowers. The greatest day of a lifetime must be celebrated in the grandest way possible: with the lovegrams sent out by ASG.

With prices as low as the attendance at ASG events, these lovegrams are the most cost-effective way to win over your loved one. It even comes in premium cellophane wrapping that was most definitely not sourced from a bag at the farmers market. You can truly tell how much artisanal effort goes into each bag of goodness. The candy that comes with most lovegrams has been fondly described as “diabetes in tablet form.” It will truly be the sweetest thing you could do for your significant other. Since it is “chock full of the same chemicals used to sterilize your countertop,” the food will be sure to make you as clean on the inside as the facility where moon rocks are stored. It can serve as an alternative to drinking dish soap to help cure you of COVID. In the off-chance that you may get a severe illness eating the aged chemical-cake you can use the cheap cardstock to perform surgery. It’s so stiff that even the densest of bone stands no chance in front of it. To top off the decorations, this super sack comes with a sticker cut in the shape of an anatomically incorrect heart. While a heart sticker is rather plain for a valentine’s day gift, these aren’t your grandma’s stickers. These stickers don’t easily fall off like others. The sticky residue that these leave behind proves that their adhesiveness is not to be questioned.

More than being literally the best gift ever, these bountiful bags are also the best figurative gift; each facet of their design representing a different philosophical concept. They operate on levels of logic close to the astral plane. The uneven tassels are a nod to the unbalanced nature of life and how not everything works out the same. The non-standardized contents of the lovegram represent how each relationship is unique and will never be the same across different couples. The illegible cards show the different love languages we all speak and how it is important to make an effort to see many different methods of expressing love.

Overall, regardless of what you decide to waste your valentine’s day money on, make sure to use some to buy the lovegram. If you order quickly and tell them that I sent you, ASG will make sure to age your candy for longer.