Breaking news: Irvington High School shuts down on Sept. 9, just two weeks after reopening,, due to a…zzz..sorry about that. 

As the writer was saying, Irvington High School shut down two weeks after reopening when a mysterious illness began causing students to uncontrollably fall asleep in class.Various groups of students and staff have tried their best to decipher this mystery. Some students hypothesize that this illness is a variant of an already existing virus. 

“I have been researching this phenomenon since I was in the womb and I can indeed confirm that it is actually a new variant of the COVID-19 Virus,” said an anonymous AP Biology student (8). “COVID finally ran out of juice so it’s just permanently sleeping people now. I’m naming the variant COVID-20 and writing a paper about it. I’m gonna try to get my paper published so I can go to Stanford, wish me luck guys :)”.

Others believe that the illness originates from the school cafeteria. 

“Don’t you like, I don’t know, think the school lunch tastes so weird? It’s not even bad, but it’s so stale and tasteless, I honestly don’t think this is even consumable,” explained a local seagull. “I’m gonna go find another school to live at.”

Effects of the mysterious outbreak are clearly visible among not only the student body, but also among groups of teachers who are extremely agitated by the lack of progress in their classes. An Irvington AP Oceanography teacher shares his frustrations about this situation with The Voice. 

“You guys need to sTOp sleeping in my classes,” said an Irvington AP Oceanography teacher.  “Oh my god, kids these days. Hello? Wake up and answer me?? Can anyone hear me??? Am I alone in this universe?   ?        ???” 

Although there seems to be no end to the waves of napping students at Irvington, The Voice has come up with a theory for this mystery: the amount of CO₂ in our classrooms. The human body requires adequate amounts of oxygen to function.  According to carefully done scientific research by the highly trained scientists,The Voice, also known as intense googling by a group of sleep deprived high-schoolers, toxic levels of CO₂ may cause drowsiness and dizziness and other health hazards.

Have you ever wondered why it’s so warm in classrooms? It’s not because we don’t have AC in most of the classrooms (although that’s true). It’s because of all this AIR people are breathing out.  It almost seems like people are getting sick from CO₂ poisoning. What if, just what if, people are actually getting sick because of very serious hazard of inadequate air ventilation systems in our classroo-

Sorry about that! The Irvington Voice has just spoken to district officials, and it seems that our concerns are way off the mark. Please disregard everything stated above in this article.