It’s long been debated who the best spy in history is. Some say Ethan Hunt. Some say Jason Bourne. Some say James Bond. And some even say Black Widow(why would you even say that)? But none of them, not a single one, is correct. In fact, they couldn’t be farther from the truth. Because the greatest spy of all time is me. There’s no one even close. So when I got a call from an anonymous Irvington High School Student asking me to tail an anonymous Irvington High School Teacher, I knew I couldn’t resist. It’s essential to take any jobs I can, especially during this pandemic. You never know where the spy business can take you. The following is a log of what I noted about the teacher. Warning: It gets pretty strange.

4:00 PM: The teacher exits Irvington High School from room ***. Why would they leave fifty minutes after school ends? Who were they talking to? What were they selling? I presume it is a shady deal occurring in the back alleys of the school, but I have no concrete evidence to back up my claim.

4:05 PM: The teacher enters their car and drives away. I get in my car and follow. The teacher makes a pit stop at the Walgreens next to Irvington. I don’t get too close; the shop is deserted and they would spot me too easily. But it’s simple to deduce what they’re doing: Selling paper towel and soap dispensers. That would be the only reason stuff from the bathroom keeps getting stolen. No one, absolutely no one, would do it for views on a meaningless social media app, right? Of course not.

4:30 PM: They enter back into the car. The teacher goes to a restaurant, a strange establishment called Five Guys. Why would five guys be making one burger? Of course, this restaurant must be a front, where the teacher must be poisoning their enemies’ food. It is evident that the teacher’s enemies have found out about the deals she’s been holding, and want a cut. I’ve tried this tactic multiple times, and it generally works. 

5:30: Sure enough, the teacher leaves the restaurant with no one following. The poison must have worked. They enter the car. Why is the teacher so obsessed with the car? What is so important about the car? While tailing the teacher to the next destination, I notice a license plate: I Heart Family. I quickly deduce the true meaning of this plate through a simple substitution cipher: I take the hearts of families and sell them on the black market. Simple.

6:30: The teacher enters a residence and proceeds to make contact with an adult and two minors. Contact includes an embrace of some sort. It is simple to find the reason for this visit after the license plate: the other individuals are clients waiting to buy organs off the black market.

6:45: The four individuals go inside and eat meat of some sort. This must be what the organs are used for. Quite strange. I prepare my engine and am ready to report my findings to the student.

6:46: The teacher exits the residence and yells at me for following her. I am quite aware she has mistaken me for a cop, waiting to bust this ring of crime the teacher is so entrenched in.

Those were the notes I took throughout my endeavor. Contact me if you have any questions at ***-***- ****.

Sincerely,

**** *********