Last Monday, the FUSD district board made the controversial decision to partner with Boomwhackers, a type of percussion instrument that makes a “boop” sound as you smack it on every possible surface. This partnership gave Irvington High School the necessary funding to abolish its blacktop. 

“The thing is…well, the other night my friends and I played Would You Rather over some cans of beer. They dared me to either disclose some embarrassing information about myself—or contact the boomwhacker people,” said Fremont Board of Education Member Clawset Furie, the member who proposed the contract in question.

Many teachers and students alike have questioned the motives behind the contract, as it only involves money and product distribution.  “No, like literally bro I like just don’t like understand why like the literal like board would like make literally like such a literal bad decision,” said the Birls Gadminton team captain Net Deset (12), “Like there’s literally a million different ways to earn money questionably, why did the school choose the most emotionally damaging one?”

Deset refers to her now-deleted Instagram posts on how the school “betrayed sports teams’ trust” by replacing all equipment with boomwhackers. She recalls excitedly arriving to her game against Jose San Mission High School last Thursday, only to find out that the gadminton rackets, birdies, nets, scoreboards, courts, and even oxygen atoms have all been replaced by “those colorful cylindrical pieces of crap.”

“But like honestly, even though the decision was literally one of the worst out of them all, it did have some benefits,” Deset continued “You see, I went to Lake Tahoe to handle my stress. While thinking about the situation, I cried a little. But it’s just that Lake Tahoe is very cold, and my mascara-tears permanently froze to my face when I was crying. It’s this exact reason why I got instantly casted as the Joker in Drama’s upcoming production.”

Other students have been delighted at this new change. “I feel like my friends and I were all ecstatic about the new partnership,” said Irvington High School student R. Son (12), “Everyone wanted something big to happen with the boomwhackers, I took this opportunity to stage a coup!”

Son wasn’t joking. Last Thursday, he overthrew the IHS Rasonence Club President, and renamed it to “Boomwhacker Enlightenment Club.” He then called for the melting of all musical instruments, claiming them as “inherently inferior” to Boomwhackers. The school has yet to publicly denounce Son’s actions.

“Yknow…I feel heartbroken that R did all this to our staff. But then again, I should’ve seen this coming. The guy’s got a bad spray tan and small hands!” said one of his teachers who preferred to stay anonymous out of fear of retaliation.

After being warned to be on the lookout for further instrument-melting, 2 out of the 3 firefighters of the Fire Department officially resigned this morning. The one remaining member has denied all requests for an interview.