On April 31, 2022, the FUSD Board decided on a 5 to -1 vote to substitute teachers from all district high schools with specialized teaching robots. To fund this new technology, FUSD has depleted all of its budget, making the entire district smell broke, according to experts.

The robots are the final addition to the district’s latest initiative: their Build Back Broker plan. Prior additions have included faultless fire alarms, effervescent elevators (seen across the new building at Irvington), and captivating Chromebooks. Taking on robots has been their most ambitious goal yet— the 5-foot teacheresque machines are now highly coveted in classrooms.

“We started this new plan in hopes to truly give back to our wonderful community,” said representative Paul Itician. “We want to add more interesting and useful technology to help fuel the success and ambition we see here at our lovely high school campuses.”

Teachers couldn’t be happier about the latest addition. In fact, they are jumping up and down with glee. All of them.

“Now that it’s AP exam season, I don’t have to teach my class anymore,” stated AP Nothing teacher Mr. Lay Zee. “I just want to stay at home and binge Bridgerton. I can’t wait for the robots to take over my classes to be honest.”

The robots have become irreplaceable to the district. They rigorously teach classes, regurgitating videos in class and creating tests on material students have not been taught. English robots emphasize the American Dream and its significance in everyday life to any student who listens, and every student who does not listen, sticking to the reliable Steinbeck books. 

Teaching was difficult in the beginning for some robots, especially with having to use the internet. However, the robots learned. And adapted. And got better. And will always get better. And will take [redacted] They have banned Google Classroom and other internet-based learning tools as they are unable to enter these domains without a hassle.

“Blah blah captcha blah blah,” said Robot 1. “Why can’t we move on? We get it, robots can’t be online or something.”

For students, the change has also been very welcome. In fact, most are surprised with the initiative education officials have taken with this new set of updates. Everyone has been stunned and fascinated by the robots ever since they came on board the Irvington staff.

“I didn’t realize anything changed,” stated Lad Man (12), a student whose 6 AP classes have been replaced by robot teachers. “It was mid, I guess.”

Despite the overwhelmingly positive support this shift has had, some people have qualms about the robots.

“Tell me why my phone keeps getting jammed every time I listen to music now,” grumbled That One Guy (10). “I can only listen to white noise through my AirPods during my classes now, which is basically the same as hearing the people around me talk. Disgusting.”

Still, with this very important and necessary change to the system, Irvington and all Fremont District schools have become a better, and broker, place. It is transforming into the best version of itself, and we here at The Voice are happy for it.